who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?

2003-02-13 - 12:37 p.m.

so...there's this guy. at work. and he's a libra. i haven't known a libra in yons. i think that the last libra i really got to know was asher in boston. but he was a september libra. yes, there is a difference. this guy is an october libra. not only that, but he was born in '79. he was born exactly 10 days before me.

i noticed him his first day at work, which was last week. he was wearing a brown jacket and a scarf, and my first thought was, 'he looks so boston.' my very next and immediate thought was, 'he's pretty cute.' i overheard him talking to uncle bill about music. 'ohh, a musician.' and that was both good and bad. good because hey, guys with guitars are hot. fact of life. bad because they can also be artistic, aka moody, depressed, and self-absorbed. not so good, al. but i kept my judgments to myself until i got to know him further.

so then we worked together. and it's so strange, because i can talk to him while acknowledging his attractiveness, yet it's not scary. there are no nervous butterflies. it's just natural, very natural. and he seemed comfortable and natural, too. we talked about music, and i mentioned how jack white thinks that no good music was made from the 80's until present day, but how i believe that secretly he dances around in his underwear to aha's 'take on me.' and libra agreed totally. 'how can you not love 80's music?' we sang the chorus of 'broken wings' together when no one else was around. we talked about electronic music, and how, even though some artists feel that electric music isn't real music, we both feel that electronics can add a lot and that there are many great electronic songs. 'i mean, how can you not feel 'cars,' by gary numan?' i said. and he agreed. i tried to think of a sly way to ask for his sign without sounding cheesy, but the best i could come up with was, 'so, you're 23.' (this we had previously established.) 'when is your birthday?' and when he said, 'october 10,' i couldn't contain my excitement. 'you're a libra!?! so am i!' and oh so calmly, oh so coolly, he said, 'yeah, i could tell. that's why you're so easy to get along with. all my real friends, all my real friends (he repeated, mocking himself) are libras.' 'i don't know...any libras,' i said. 'i mostly know geminis. everyone i've ever dated has been a gemini.' which is so not true, but i was too excited, and my mind wasn't processing straight facts at that moment. i meant that all of my close relationships have been with geminis, but whatever. 'really?' he said. 'you've gotta watch out for those geminis. they'll try to manipulate you. twin snakes.' and i could have protested, thinking of all my wonderful gemini friends, but i could tell that this boy was harboring some deep wounds from a gemini, so i let it go.

i asked if he knew his other signs, and he said that he wasn't so much into astrology as cards. he offered to read cards for me during a break one day, because he has a gift. he wasn't arrogant, he just said it matter-of-factly. i warned him that i would take him up on his offer sometime. it was all so smooth, so easy. he whispered, 'caaaaarrrrpppppe diiiiieeeeeem,' and when i began to gush about how great 'dead poets" society' is, he offered to loan me his tape, calling himself, 'the vhs king.' when he mentioned wearing his homemade shirt on valentine's day, the one with a heart with a black line down the middle and the words 'break here' above, i invited him to kathryn's anti-valentine's day party. i did it without even asking kathryn first, something i normally would not do. i did, in fact, ask kathryn later, and she said that it was fine. she also asked if i had a crush. i denied it, but i couldn't help smiling. kathryn got all excited, saying that 'we should set you up!' how 'they' would do that is beyond my knowledge. i told her that i didn't have dibs or anything, because she'd said earlier that she thought that he was cute, too, but then kathryn said that she had too many crushes already, so she wouldn't 'make a move on my man.'

now i have the fear. i have put into words my crush, and i fear what is to follow. he's young and cute and single and charming and a musician, and there are a lot of single girls at the bookstore. and now that kathryn knows, if someone else hooks up with him, she'll feel sorry for me, and i hate that. i can get over things much more quickly if no one else knows. like my crush on the gemini. no one knew, so when i saw that things weren't going to work out, i got over it. and now i'm fine, a relatively short time later. okay, okay, so i walked outside the store yesterday and he was sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette, wearing a black leather jacket and sunglasses, and he looked really good, but admitting that someone looks really good and crushing on them are two mostly separate things.

and the thing with the libra isn't even a thing. not really. it's just too easy. we talk too easily, we're too comfortable. it's very confusing. he's just sort of endearing, like how he loves harry potter so much that his friends have almost convinced him to get the lightening bolt scar tattooed on his forehead. 'how dorky is that? i'd never get a date again!' secretly i thought it was endearingly dorky, but i just laughed. he has plans, see. he's putting out his first solo album (yes, he's already put out 3 or 4 ensemble albums), and he wants to write comic books. in november he's planning on getting together with an artist friend of his and the two of them are going to go to san francisco to this huge indie comics convention. he has plans, this boy. he went to a small christian college on a jazz scholarship, and he told me stories of sneaking out to bars far away so that the heads of the school wouldn't catch him and his friends. and now he's working at the bookstore and at quizno's to make ends meet. and he's putting out his first solo album. and he's going to san francisco to work on his comic book.

me, i'm just working at the bookstore. sometimes i go out and get drunk with my coworkers. but that's it. i have all these artistic impulses and dreams, but i never do anything about them. i feel like tulla in 'my big fat greek wedding': sick and tired of waiting for my life to start. but i'm not sure where to begin. and the funny thing is, more than a crush, i just want to go with him. i want to tour with him, go to san francisco, just go and see things. i want to see things. and of course i want someone to do it with. i chalk it up to my libra-ness. we hate to be alone. we need lots of alone time, but ultimately we want someone to be there for us when all is said and done. yes, i know how looked down upon it is to want someone, to not be alone. but y'know, it's not like i've always had someone or anything. i've had close friendships, relationships, what have you, but i've also done a hell of a lot by myself. i moved to boston and went to school there for two years. then i went to wilson. in both cases i didn't know anyone at all before i left. i did a semester in london, and the only person i knew was one other wilsonite, and i didn't even know her that well. we barely spoke the whole semester. i did my internship in scotland, totally alone. i traveled across the ocean alone, i walked around edinburgh and perthshire and the isle of lewis alone, i traveled back alone. then i got a job at a bookstore on my own. call me crazy, but i think i've done a damn lot on my own. so sue me if i'm tired of being alone.

so, yeah. there's a new libra at work. i think he's cool. and that's pretty much the whole gist of this entry.