fuck warmers and dream fucks

2003-01-18 - 11:48 a.m.

i have these forest green sweatpants. no matter how tight i pull the drawstring, they always manage to be worn fashionably slung around my hips. i cut off the dorky bunched up part at the bottom, so they are ragged and low-slung and forest green. pretty cool sweatpants. then they got a little hole in the crotch. 'no worries,' i thought, and i kept wearing them. the hole got bigger. and bigger. still i wore them, thinking positive thoughts such as 'now i don't have to pull down my pants when i pee.' then one day i pulled them out of the washer and the hole was simply enormous. it stretched in perfect symmetry from just below the pubis to mid-thigh and was quite gaping. so i figured that i could still wear the pants as an accessory, but what to call them? not leg warmers, as they stretch up to my belly. the same reasoning applied against thigh warmers and belly warmers. and so i came upon a fuck warmer. my forest green sweatpants are now a pair of fuck warmers.

to be honest, i believe that this is quite a marketable idea. perfect for sex in the winter or in alaska or simply on a cool evening. the necessary parts are exposed, keeping the rest of the lower body nice and toasty. how many times have you wanted to have sex but been turned off by the thought of being too cold when naked, or at the very least pants-less? well no longer will this be a problem. you'll stay nice and warm and in the mood, and imagine how pleasantly surprised your lover will be to plainly see that you're ready for action, no disassembly required? less work, more sex. what a beautiful thing.

so, a few years ago i bought this really cool figurine of cesare from 'the cabinet of dr. caligari,' complete with knife, curled-over street post, and helpless victim. i thought that he was super cool, and i set up this display involving him, the victim girl, and the headless horseman and ichabod crane from 'sleepy hollow.' i had a story with it and everything. it was very. so, after i read up a bit more on 'the cabinet of dr. caligari,' i wanted to see the film very badly, yet try as i might, i could never find a copy. i also wanted to see the original 'nosferatu' before going to see 'shadow of the vampire,' but that turned fruitless as well. last semester laura's art teacher showed them 'the cabinet of dr. caligari' in class, and i asked her to ask him if she could borrow it. she said that it wasn't his but instead it belonged to the university, and that i could watch it in the library but not take it home. well i'm never at the university long enough to do that, plus i just wasn't jazzed on the idea of sitting in a little cubicle and trying to watch a movie. so i never saw it.

then just last week i was in sam's club, glancing at the dvds, when i find the most amazing discovery: a 6 pack set of silent horror movies on dvd. one of those movies was 'nosferatu,' and the other was, you guessed it, 'the cabinet of dr. caligari.' there was also the lon chaney versions of 'phantom of the opera' and 'hunchback of notre dame,' plus 'the golum,' plus one more that i can't quite recall. the whole set was only $19.95. and it was payday. i couldn't believe my luck.

thursday i watched 'maid to order,' then when i saw the snow i decided that i had nothing else to do, so i went over to my horror dvds. usually i'm very big on saving the best for last, and i almost reached for another movie, but i decided that i just couldn't wait any longer. almost unthinkingly i reached for 'the cabinet of dr. caligari,' opened it, and popped it into the player. after that i watched, spellbound, at the story that unfolded before me. it was so beautiful and amazing, the way it was shot, the background, everything. i had the slight fear that i wouldn't be able to get into a silent film, but those fears were quickly laid to rest, just like the body of the town clerk. i grew very tired, but i wouldn't let myself fall asleep without watching the whole thing through. as soon as it ended, i pushed play again. this time i fell asleep, waking up just in time for the very last scene. i watched it, then barely managed to turn off the tv before falling back into a very deep and dark sleep.

i lay on the couch dreaming of caligari and cesare and living in that world that's darker than black and white. i had intense sex in that dream, really intense sex with cesare while caligari stood nearby. i remember half waking up at one point in the darkness, mid-fuck, and wondering if i had been tossing and turning or actually humping the couch.

after another hour or so i woke up, and i almost watched the movie again. it inspired me. it made me want to write stories about that story and make my own movies, movies that are pure in intention: to tell a story. i was so inspired by it all. i want to watch it again and again.

it does fuck with my head, though.

then last night i had a dream that i was having a lot of sex, in various positions, in the attic of my first house with this muscular golden-blonde adonis type. i was half wearing this flimsy red dress with flowers on it to cover my breasts. i was making a lot of moaning noises, though adonis was silent, just doing his duty. then i went downstairs and i ran into my mom in the garage, to my horror. she looked at me and made mock moaning noises, mimicking me cruelly. i just looked at her then ran back upstairs. i put the dress fully on, then looked at adonis and thought, 'wow, that was pretty good for my first time. i'm never going to see him again, but this will make a good memory.' then i left him to go downstairs and out into the yard, where there was a summer camp being held. it was grey and rainy as i went over to join the others.

funny how that's the second time in, oh, a week that i've dreamt that there was a summer camp being held in the backyard of my first house. and the sex, oh the sex. i never have sex dreams like that, at least not when i'm involved in said sex. i don't know why i'm suddenly having all these sex dreams, if it was going to the porn shop or what. and it's not a bad thing. just different.

and now i'm going to get ready to meet rikki and lane for lunch.