another day

2003-02-23 - 4:11 a.m.

yeah, so, okay. i guess it wasn't all in my mind. because today at work that certain older gentleman whom we shall refer to as scott sure did ask me out. i didn't even realize it at first. i mean, i always realize it, deep down, y'know, but on the surface i never do, the surface where i function on a basic daily level. he was all, 'what are you doing after work?' and i was all, 'sleeping,' and he was all, 'oh, yeah, you get off at midnight. for some reason i was thinking that you got off at eight like i did,' and i was all, 'nope, sure don't,' and he was all, 'oh, see, there's this girl band playing at this place and i was going to ask you if you'd be interested in checking it out, but that was before i realized that you work closing tonight.' and while most of me knew that he was asking me out by this point, i was still at basic function level (where i usually am at work) so i was all taking it in stride, in a friendly way, in any way other than the way that it was intended. i just smiled and said, 'yep, i'm closing. you can tell how excited i am about that.' and he said, 'but if you weren't you'd consider it?' and i looked at him and said, 'well, yeah. i consider everything.'

and that was the god-honest truth. that one statement had more me in it than anything else i've ever said to him. i do consider everything. it's in my nature to do so. the only reason i ever give quick or rash answers is to appease the asker while i buy more time in which to think about what has been asked, and what answer i should give, and how that answer will affect the questioner, etc. if at all possible i really like to think things through thoroughly, which is both a blessing and a curse.

so that was that. he asked me out. and i said that i'd consider it, because i needed to think some more. and of course, as soon as i realized that he wasn't just asking me to hang out, he was asking me out, i flipped. i mean, he's seems sorta cool, but still. it's one thing to write about vagrant fantasies in an online journal, and it's quite another to actually have a 49-year-old man ask you out at work. yes, i found out that that is his age. a whopping 49. which isn't all that old, unless you're trying to date a 23-year-old. like me. so inside i flipped out. but i calmed myself with the thought that it could still all be just a friendly, hanging-out type thing.

no, i am not naive or innocent or oblivious. i am simply very unassuming. i never assume that just because someone is being nice or friendly that they want to date me. and i'm quite sure that my incredible level of unassumption has led to more than a few missed opportunities in the dating department, but hey, that's who i am. even after scott asked me out i thought that perhaps he was just being friendly. i kept thinking that up until i talked to lauren later on as we closed. i asked what the story was on scott, figuring that if anyone knew, lauren would. she said that she didn't know much about him, other than the fact that he was 49 and could be a little annoying. then she added, 'oh, and i know this much: he likes younger girls.' my heart sank a little as my ears perked up. 'oh?' i intoned innocently. 'yeah, he likes really young girls. like 20-year-old girls, like girls our age,' lauren said with the voice of one who's in on the 411. of course now i wish i'd asked her how she knew, but my mind was slowly and calmly flipping out as she spoke, so i didn't really get the chance.

so it's official. he asked me out. and he's wicked older than me. and no matter how cool he is or how he might smell, that still creeps me out. i don't know why, but it does. i've always known that i can attract creepy older guys because i look 14 but i'm several years older than the age of consent. it's just one of those things that sucks that i deal with.

and i'm not so sure why i'm so creeped out. i've always said that i have no problem with other peoples' relationships. it's none of my business, and if people find love and happiness, more power to them. if he asks me out again, i can just say no, and that will be that. no big deal.

maybe it's because i've known him such a short time, hence i know that he can't be too attracted to my stellar personality. it's a slim shot, and i'm betting that it's more physical than anything. hey, i'm all for people finding me sexy. one of my life's theme songs is 'i want you to want me.' and i must admit that underneath the huge gulf of being creeped out there's a thin layer of a smile that there are still people in the world who want to have sex with me. after such a long (and i do mean long) period of celibacy i sometimes wonder at the validity of my pheromones. but front and foremost is the whole being-creeped-out-by-the-really-older-guy-who-wants-to-date-me thing.

life, what the fuck? seriously. how come the only people who've shown blatant interest in me at work have been the ones whom i'm not attracted to in the slightest? it's not like there are slim pickins' or anything. there are a couple of very attractive people working at my bookstore. how come one of them couldn't ask me out? so...fucked...up. here i am, feeling really good about myself, feelin' like my body's slammin', and the only person to ask me out on a date in a million years is a guy who's 39 years older than me. that's so fucked up. i'm sorry, i'm trying to be cool and open-minded about all this, but still...that's so fucked up.

all i ask is that someone actually datable ask me out, just once, before i die of celibacy. not lesbians with girlfriends, not 49-year-old men, but someone whom i would actually date. is that too much to ask?

hey universe, are you listening? are you out there? is there datable life on this planet out there for me? because the more i see, the more i lose hope, and the better lookin' those nuns' habits become.