unfinished sympathy

2003-04-07 - 2:47 p.m.

i can't get that 'all the things she said' song by those russian lesbians out of my head. they are russian lesbians, aren't they? oh no, wait, there was slight controversy because they were making out in the video but they aren't lesbians in real life. or something. or maybe they are. who knows? who cares? i like the song. and even though moo said that laura had it on her computer i can't seem to find it anywhere. i should have just bought the cd at target the other day. it was only $8. i suppose i could, conceivably, go out and buy it right now, but i don't leave the house on my days off on principle, the principle being that i have to drive a minimum of 80 minutes (give or take a few) every day that i go to work, so i try not to drive at all on my days off.

there are pink flowers on a tree outside my window just now. maybe it's a dogwood tree. i didn't know that we had a dogwood tree in our yard.

it's very pretty.

currently i'm making black beans and rice, drinking lots of water, and updating my online journal.

***

i stopped updating my journal for just a moment there to scratch my inner thigh. now the timer is going off, so must go check on my black beans and rice.

***

and now i'm back again. earlier today i watched 'normal,' the hbo movie about a man who decides to get a sex change operation after 25 years of marriage. i got really into it, tearing up when the son cried in his father's arms, talking to the screen when he tried to wear gold button earrings to his macho-filled job. as he walked by his gawking coworkers i said, 'no, baby, no.' funny thing is, i never used to talk to the characters onscreen, and now i sometimes do, but the only thing i ever say is 'no, baby, no' when i see a character walking into danger.

mom is trying to help me find a career. and not one that i'll have to have forever, just something to make me happy for a few years. she asked me to describe a perfect day, and i kept saying, 'but my perfect day wouldn't involve work!' i feel like i'm dancing around what i truly want to do, like i can't quite put a finger or a name to it. i told her that i like to be creative, that i like to put things together, that i like to bake, that i like crafts. at that point moo added, 'so why don't you open up a crafts 'n shit store?' mom laughed, and i said, 'no! i do not want to run one of those stores that smells funny and carries dolls in crocheted dresses.' mom said that it sounded like we were both going through midlife crises, and i agreed. mom said that i'm at this great point in life where i'm not tied down to anyone or anywhere in particular. i agreed again, but goddamnit, there's something to be said for having too many options. the world is limitless, the pool deep and fathomless, and i'm doing my best just to keep breathing.

not that i'm complaining. i'm lamenting, which is something altogether different. complaining hints at true dissatisfaction with one's circumstances, wanting things to be totally different, and often believing that the world owes one a living. lamenting is expressing sadness at the situation, but still trying to find a way to work with what one already has, and often knowing that deep down, the grass is not any greener on the other side of the fence.

i'm thinking of quitting my job just so that i can go to florida for 3 days with my sister. ludicrous? perhaps. but what the fuck do i care? i'm 2 paychecks away from reaching my goal of 'having enough money to quit.' so i'm a little short. so what. heh, i could always tell ann that if she doesn't give me those days off i'll quit. not much of a threat, really, but it would make me feel like a badass for a little while. and i would definitely get to go to florida. i don't even care for florida that much, but i'd rather be in florida than at my job.

and now i'm going to go eat some black beans and rice. yum.