they will unfold

2003-02-25 - 1:03 a.m.

i was just perusing the gothic classifieds, looking at bands seeking musicians, as you do, when i saw a very interesting ad. but i'll talk more about that one later. after i finished there i went to the seeking romance section, just for a goof. and you know what's so funny? all these people are like 'i believe in soul mates, in true, immortal love. no one understands me, only my dark princess, whom i have not yet met...' but then they're all like, 'i'm looking for a petite lady with pale skin to look into my soooooooul...' and i'm like, what the fuck? you believe in soul mates, just so long as your soul mate looks like rose mcgowan? y'know, there are times when i genuinely miss the goth scene, but then there are those times when i'm just glad i don't have to deal with dorks like that anymore. like now.

i've decided that i'd probably meet more people if i got out more. little realizations, that's all.

god, i have to be at work in less than 7 hours. goooooooooooooooo.

upon reviewing the schedule, i found out that i no longer get 2 days off in a row. i was going to raise a stink about it and demand my crummy two days off in a row, but then i noticed that with this new schedule i never have to work with scott, the guy more than twice my age who asked me out. so i decided that not having two days off in a row isn't that bad after all.

is that wrong of me? why am i so creeped out by this guy? he asked me out once, but i couldn't go, so i turned him down. the end. so far as i know. maybe it's because he's only spoken to me twice for a total of 15 minutes each time, so i figured that he can't be attracted to me so much as my body, which means that he thinks about me in a sexual way, which is kinda creepy coming from someone old enough to have sired me. i understand as well as the next person that middle-aged men are prone to think about young women in a sexual way. i'm just not used to being the object of lust. and i guess, also, there's what lauren said about him being attracted to 20 year-old girls. that would mean that it's not a matter of me being really special, but just the fact that i fit his interest group. and i can't help but wonder about a man who perpetually dates women young enough to be his children. it hints at a dark psychosis that creeps me the fuck out.

tonight i asked matt, my indie rock dream boy, if, hypothetically, he would go out with someone more than twice his age. he said that it depended on how well he knew and trusted the person, because he would wonder at an ulterior motive. i agreed, adding that how much can you have in common with someone so much older? i'm trying to be open-minded and cool about it, but the more i think about it, the creepier it gets.

also, for the record, this isn't the first time that something like this has happened. i've had much older men ask me out before, such as in boston and in greece. sure, it was kinda creepy, but they were just passersby, people whom i'd never see again. i'd tell my friends, we'd have a laugh, and life would go on. i guess this situation is just different because i work with this guy. and since i'm used to a college setting in which there are taboos against such things, i guess the whole situation just caught me off guard.

for some weird reason i told jen about scott asking me out today. i don't know what i was expecting. maybe i was just trying to garner out some emotion from her, to see if what uncle bill had told me was really true. maybe i was hoping for her to be protective of me. whatever the hoped for reaction was, i did not receive it. i began by asking her what scott's story was. she said that she didn't know, that she thought that he had another job during the week. i said, 'oh. i was just wondering, because i think he asked me out on a date the other night.' i looked at jen. i got nothing. there was absolutely nothing on her face. it was almost like i hadn't said anything. so i went on. 'yeah, it creeped me out a little.'

'but scott's cool,' she said. that was it. she didn't see why i was creeped out, because 'scott's cool.' i said, 'well, it's just that he's more than twice my age.' jen seemed to think about it for half a second, then added, 'well, i guess i can see how you would be creeped out.' and that was it. no protection, no emotion, nothin'. which convinced me thoroughly that if she does indeed harbor some huge lesbian crush on me, then baby bush will win the nobel peace prize, 'cause that shit just ain't happenin'.

if anything, she seems to almost not like me. she never smiles or jokes around with me anymore, though i see her doing it with the other girls to some degree. i feel like i'm really striving to make things normal, but it just isn't working. i'm not uncomfortable working with her, per se, just disappointed that it's not as fun as it once was.

god my life sucks right now.