stella was a diver and she was always down

2003-05-12 - 12:20 a.m.

last saturday night kathryn found out that a girl in her class at the university was murdered. not just killed, murdered. we sat outside the bookstore, kathryn smoking, me sitting beside her. her eyes would get teary. she would try to talk about something else, but then all of a sudden she'd swivel back to that girl. 'i wonder if she was raped. how could someone do that to such a young, smart, girl who had so much going for her?' she was supposed to graduate with kathryn last week. i just sat there quietly, talking every now and then, but mostly listening. finally i said, 'i guess you just never think that something like that could happen here. i guess things like that happen everywhere, but i've never stayed around long enough to see them.'

kathryn's moving to boston for grad school in the fall. she didn't go to her undergrad graduation. she's like that. just keeps moving, has a plan and sticks to it. i admire that about her, as i can't settle on anything.

talking to kathryn about boston made me sad. made me wonder what could have been. though i do feel good that twice now people have talked about what a hard school emerson is. first janessa, saying, 'you went to emerson? wow, your grades must have been really good. that's a hard school.' then elizabeth at devonstock: 'yeah, emerson's really hard.' it made me feel good because in my two years at emerson, i never once thought of the classes as hard. and i did get good grades.

i'm smart. yay me.

i have a new writing idea, only this one would be ongoing, in the form of a magazine column. i'm hoping to write up a few, maybe post them online (*gasp* not another online diary!) then submit them to cool smart magazines like 'nervygirl.'

things i'd like to do, #191.

after i had the car hood epiphany last entry i decided that i was moving in entirely the wrong direction, that i needed to leave and leave now. but then the very next day i had a really good day at work. i saw my high school librarian, one of the most inspiring and awesome teachers i've ever had. she told me not to be in a hurry to grow up. she said that she's still not done that. what kind of curve ball is the universe throwing at me here? should i stay or should i go? one day i felt like i should leave, no questions asked. then the next i feel like i should stay.

what the dilly, yo?

time for an old-fashioned pro/con list:

con (start negative, work through to positive):

1.)I hate my job
2.)I hate driving to my job
3.)I hate the mundane same-old urban sprawl I see day in, day out
4.)my creative and artistic possibilities for collaboration are severely limited here
5.)sometimes I see people I went to high school with
6.)sometimes I wonder if people will think I’m a loser for still being here

pro (the light at the end of the proverb):

1.)I love my family more than anything, and they are all here
2.)amazingly, I do have friends here
3.)there are possibilities for other jobs, even if just jumping shop
4.)I can technically work on my creative shite anywhere as long as I get my shite together, even alone (and maybe better that way)
5.)my sisters will only be in town for one more year, tops, and after that we’ll scatter like shards of wheat
6.)truth be told, I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what other people think. sometimes I think I do, but then I remember that I don’t.

truth be told, what’s the rush? I was never in a hurry throughout college, so why the sudden urge to go out and prove myself again? where does that damn thing come from?

I am sleepy, and crampy, and I have to be at work at 8 am. so I shall leave now, with thoughts slightly bubbling over my cauldron of a mind. soup’s on, and the stew is thick.

p.s. do you get the feeling that I’ve already made up my mind? yeah, me too. so why the reluctance to accept the decision? there’s the real truth to ponder.