so many ways (it gives, it takes)

2003-02-14 - 9:55 p.m.

today has sucked harder than any other valentine's day in recent memory. it's raining like the gods are pissing on us after going on a bender. as much as i've taken to the whole idea of rain, even i'm sick of all the precipitation 'round these parts lately. my only comfort is that it's raining on all those lovey-dovey couples in the region who were wishing for a sunny valentine. and even that much is cold comfort, despite what people might think about how i get my kicks, bitter as i tend to come off.

i woke up before 7 am, (probably around 6 or perhaps even earlier) unable to sleep, knowing all the while that at 7 i'd have to rise and drive to the university as a favor for mom. and that just sucks, waking up that early on my day off. then we got back to the house, only to find out that they wanted to show the house. so we had to clear out, and that sucked as well. but laura took me to ihop and i got to eat chocolate chip pancakes, and that was really good. they now have this all-you-can-eat stack of pancakes for $4.99 in which they start you with 5 buttermilk pancakes and keep bringing you 3 at a time until you're full. i wondered aloud what the most pancakes consumed has been, so laura asked our waitress. she said that the girls told her about a fella who came in off the graveyard shift and ate 17 pancakes, but then he got sick out in the parking lot. 'and i said "good!"' our waitress added. 'anyone who eats 17 pancakes deserves to be sick.' we exclaimed at how pancakes expand in the stomach, and how anyone could manage to get 17 pancakes in there to begin with. and that was good.

then we went back to the house, and laura left to go to the university. she had to pick up a few things, then we were going to meet up and go shopping. so she left, and i watched bits of vh1's celebrity couples until i got her phone call. she called me to say that she'd had a car accident, and that she was okay, but she wasn't sure what to do. i asked her where she was, then i jumped up and left. it was only 15 minutes away, but the entire time my mind was reeling. i did everything but scream out loud to make my mind stop churning out horrible thoughts. when i got there i discovered her sitting in the back of a cop car, waiting for the tow truck. she'd just gotten her car lodged in an embankment, and the only thing wrong was a flat tire. i stood out in the rain, shivering, crying a little from the relief. i called mom and she was on her way, so laura told me that there was nothing else to be done, so i should just go back to the house. i hated leaving her there, especially since the entire cop car reeked of the cop's heavy stinky cologne, but there was nothing else i could do, so i turned around and went back.

so that sucked. but laura turned out to be okay, and mom and dad got her car taken care of, so there i was, sitting back in the broken maroon recliner, watching vh1 (but changing channels to 'a makeover story;' they really gave that girl a smashing makeover) and altogether in the exact same situation as before, only with all plans totally fucked up. so i watched the end of 'chocolat,' then turned off the tv, turned on some music, and started dying my hair 'blue raven.' it was fun dancing around and dying and all that goes with that: smearing vaseline along my head, putting on gloves, the whole shebang. and right before i did the final step, which is rewashing the hair, i looked in the mirror and got all excited by my dark raven locks. i was afraid that it would look cheesily goth-as-fuck, but instead it looked very victorian vamp, all piled on top of my head, falling down in dark curls. then i washed my hair, and every damn bit of colour came out. since my hair is already a deep rich mahogany, it looks black when wet, so i wasn't sure of the results until much later. but by the time i got to lane bryant, i looked in the mirror and saw my familiar dark brown hair. i wasn't pissed about wasting the dye, since it was cheap, but more pissed because i wasted my time. okay, so it was kinda fun, but still. i don't have the strength to dye my hair every day, or every week, for that matter. you never realize how long your hair is until you're hanging upside down over your bathtub with your hair submerged under the faucet.

i still plan on dying my hair again, i'll just do it with more confidence next time. see, i really do love my natural hair colour. i only want temporary changes to spice things up a bit. this hair colour promised 2-4 week results with a 5-10 minute treatment, and longer results for longer treatments, up to 40 minutes. it also said that the colour would deepen with heated treatments. since i feared anything too drastic and too lasting i only did a 10-minute treatment. since i didn't have a hairdryer handy i managed to turn on the space heater in my mom's bathroom, where i hunkered down on my stomach and held my head up to the heater. i did keep in mind that my hair has never taken in dyes easily, but i'd never used this brand before. but now i know. next time i'll go for longer, deeper treatment. ohhhhh yeeeeeah. raven vamp, here i come.

so that was the hair debacle. nothing hugely sucky, but still a bit of a letdown. i went to lane bryant alone, and i found this amazing black velvet top with ribbons up the front on the sale rack. the rack said '$19.99,' and i had a $5.00 off coupon, so i figured i could splurge a bit and get a $15 top, even if it wasn't exactly 'daily wear.' but when i paid, i was only charged $5.00. i was delightfully surprised, and quite happy at my splurge-turned-bargain. so that was good. i still want to go back and shop more with laura next time.

after that i swung by target then hotfooted it over to my grandparents' house for dinner. that was the best part of the whole day. it was rainy and horrible outside, but i was warm and full and happy inside with my grandparents, my sister, and my dad. we watched game shows, and the white stripes were even the answer to a $500 jeopardy question! it was lovely and relaxing for a while, and then i drove home. on the way i got a message from kathryn, saying that the anti-valentine's day party had been condensed from a party in an apartment to a visit to the bar after work. and, y'know, call me what you will, but i was much more willing to drive into the city at midnight for a party, complete with games and refreshments, than i was to drive into the city at midnight just to go watch my coworkers get drunk at a bar. i can't drink at bars, because i have to drive home, so even though it's cool to occasionally go out with them and chat while sipping o.j., i'm just not in the mood to get cleaned up and drive into the city just to sip o.j., watch my coworkers drink and yell at each other to be heard over the loudspeaker and the other conversations, all in a room so smoky that i can literally barely breath. bars just aren't my scene, i'll admit. i'd much rather go somewhere where i can breath, talk, and be comfortable.

okay, so i'm disappointed. i never have anything to do on valentine's day. i've never been dating anyone on valentine's day. the most exciting thing that's happened was probably in 2001 when i got that poem from a secret admirer. it turned out to be daniel, and he never followed it up, so whoopdy shit. so i was genuinely excited at the prospect of a big singles party, and i was genuinely let down when that disintegrated into just one more weekly trip to the bar. so i was going to wear my new black top and lacy skirt and fun shoes and liquid eyeliner and was going to bring cookies and cds and the book of love & sex questions and ideas for drinking games and find cards for a round of bullshit, but so what? shit happens. so it's just another misty, grey, pissy day that's fizzled into a big pile of poo. the tiny good things have just barely kept my head above water.

i did light up when i got home and discovered a package from devon. it was a proper package, straight from the old days of new magic and wonder, and it made me very happy to find the mixed tapes, aragorn cards, and especially the letter. god, we haven't written to each other in yons. those were good times, those letters. her package made me feel magical again. reminded me of the kinds of friendships i used to have. reminded me, at least in part, of what i still strive for. made me want to get started on making her a mixed tape in return. then i thought about how i have to go to work tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. i seriously wonder why i have no free time anymore. it's not like i take my work home with me, other than the dreams i have in which i'm still at work (yeah, those dreams suck. and not even in an interesting, nightmare way. no, they're just boring, mundane transactions at work. blah.)

i've now decided to devote most of my free time to cleaning up my shit and getting ready for the next phase of my life. because it's coming. i can feel it. i'm not going to stay here much longer, and when the time comes, i want to be ready to move. retail boys, coworker group drinking, work, it's all just distraction. none of it means anything to me. it's sometimes horrible, sometimes fun, but it's all just a way to pass the time. a means to an end. no, i will not move to an apartment in the city with natalie. that would be just one more obstacle i'd place in my way. she's a great girl, and we'd have a lot of laughs, but i am not going to build my seaside dreams with rocks on sand any more. i'm passing time here. i'm sorting through my affairs. i'm saving my funds. i am almost ready. i will be ready. the psychic said 'spring.' whether she was a gifted psychic or a gifted storyteller remains to be seen, but i will be making my own prophesies from now on.

this is my heart. this is what it whispers to me in the night.