my shadow on your wall

2003-10-09 - 1:24 p.m.

i had to take a test today. not simply fill out a job application, i had to take a test. so i freaked out. i forgot things that i know i know. and i love those places with tests, because that means that they want you to actually know what you're talking about. but i hate taking tests, especially when i come unprepared.

under hobbies and interests, i wrote, 'i like pudding.' it just felt right to do so.

so i turned in a wacky application/frantic test. if i do miraculously get hired, i'll know that it's because that place is really wacky and fun, and they'll appreciate me. and if i'm not hired, then i didn't need to be working there in the first place. so there's my job security.

a very dapper young man took my application. that means nothing. i'm just saying, is all.

i crave many things. right now i could do with some magic. when i discovered last night that i had not yet missed the october full moon, i was filled with overwhelming relief, and i'm not even sure why. (it's tomorrow, by the way. friday.)

i found a bit of magic in my collage box. tons and tons of postcards, drawings that others did for me, calendar pictures, flyers for various club nights, fortunes, articles, bits of words or phrases, and of course, millions of magazine cut-outs and full pages. some of them i'm not even sure why i cut out in the first place, but i can't bring myself to throw them away. i sit and stare at them, arranging and rearranging the bits of pictures and words into all manner of patterns, trying to find the correct one that will connect me to my high school self, to whatever it was that i was thinking. it's funny to look at the pictures that i found beautiful or interesting back then. i don't always agree with myself, but i do always value my opinions, be they old or new.

i look quite dapper myself today, i do.

last night i kept hearing voices in the leaves outside my window. the moon shown so brightly and beautifully, and only in my window, a secret view, an understanding between us. i really crave visitors. special k might try to come up for halloween. i'm trying not to get my hopes up lest they be dashed to the floor, but damn it, they're definitely at mid-float and there's nothing i can do about it. i long for one of my magical friends to visit, someone who can appreciate a good elderberry wine on a sabbat. at least i know for certain that dad and moo are coming to visit me on my birthday. we're going to eat at my favourite local joint, and i'm going to take them to all the cool places that i've discovered since i they visited last. this means that i must change my sheets and make my bed, but i don't mind.

ach, time grows short, and i grow weary. i long for pb & j, and salt and vinegar chips, and another episode of 'the storyteller.' at least i know what my profession would have been, had i been alive in the middle ages. perhaps i was. or perhaps i still am what i was once.

this is my shadow on your wall, this is my flesh and blood,
this is what i could have been. -david bowie