training myself not to care, turn on the bright lights (7 faces)

2003-04-30 - 9:40 p.m.

i remember asking rikki, 'haven't you ever cried for the death of your heart?' and she laughed at me and said that i like boys who write bad poetry.

there's a song called 'nyc.' it's on an album by interpol. i listened and loved the first two tracks. then 'nyc' came on. and right then life

slowed

down

i'm listening to it now. everything was blue. i wondered if nuns flirt, back during the first two tracks. like if they're allowed to by the statutes of the church, and whether some nuns would flirt anyway, and what a nun would do if she flirted, how she would flirt. but then 'nyc' came on and i didn't mind the other cars. i still drove fast but i didn't mind them. i was numb to the bad stuff. all i felt was the beauty and the love of life. i was sad, thinking that i wasn't sure if i could ever write a song so beautiful about the town that i'm from. finally i couldn't stand being in the car anymore. the wind was right, but not the view. so i pulled off at the first dock i came to, but i went down the side road by the trees where no one ever goes. i put the song on repeat, turned it up, took off my shoes, then got out of the car and climbed up on the trunk. i lay there looking at the sky. all i saw was the sky, grey in ripples and waves like the ocean, and i cried because i wanted to be up there, too. i cried because i couldn't be in the sky. i kept reaching up, feeling like i could touch it, it was so close, and if i just reached a little further i could be there where i've always wanted to be.

i kept thinking about edinburgh, about walking around the city alone, and i wanted to do that again. i knew that if i could reach the sky i would feel like i was walking alone in edinburgh again.

i remembered how i used to feel all the time. i felt that way again. i thought about what makes a person "depressed," and how thin the line between true happiness and true sadness is. i remembered being young and having dreams and feeling unstoppable. if i could have, i would have quit my job right then. and i wouldn't try to get another mediocre job in a mediocre city living a mediocre lifestyle. i would find that thing that i was looking for. i went from once again feeling sad and homeless and permanently misplaced to feeling like it was out there. i haven't really felt like it was out there in a long time. i used to believe in it just as much as i believed that one day lestat would come and take me away to be a vampire with him. i believed infallibly in magic and vampires and night and happiness. i haven't believed in anything lately. all i've done is just try to get my head above water, just find an existence that isn't as unbearable as it could be. find a living i could live with. more and more i keep coming to the conclusion that there's no point to it all.

the other day i was watching 'bridget jones's diary,' but instead of laughing, as per usual, i got more depressed than ever. not the beautiful poetic depression, either. the mundane, worthless depression. i thought, 'if you seriously look at her life, what is it made of? she works at a meaningless job, and even when she switches careers neither of them are particularly meaningful. she dates a jerkoff, has obligatory dinners with people she can barely stand, and drinks and smokes for fun. the most meaningful thing she does is visit with her parents. what's the point?'

today two ladies came up to the counter and one was wearing a dark blouse with pink blossoms printed all over it. when i looked at her i thought about being outdoors and parks and cool summer nights and log cabins. and i was really happy for a moment. i can't explain that moment, just like i can't really explain why the certain arrangement of notes and turns of phrase swirled together to create 'nyc' caused me to pull off the road and cry because i can't be in the sky.

i just drew a heart with a pen on my right cheek, just on the apple. on the left side of my face i drew a tear. i don't even know what colour the ink is.

life hasn't been what it's supposed to be for several years now. and i keep riding it out, expecting things to be better, but the years get worse and worse. i'm afraid of this year of fire. i was told that last year the stars were bad, and i believed that this year would be better. but it's only been worse. instead of long slow dripping periods of sadness like the year before, it's been quick hot bursts of pain and sadness. i don't know how to move, i'm so afraid of being burned. i feel like i've walked a rigid and twisted tightrope for so long. now i'm all twisted up in mundane morals and petty righteousness. i've lost whatever bigger view i used to have, and i've gotten twisted up in the petty morals of judging individual rules to determine to what extent they are good. not even worthy, just good. i judge my own self worth by what extent i follow the most trivial rules and regulations deemed worthy by corporations and society as mob mentality.

today i was told that i'm a valued employee and that i'm doing a good job.
i've never wanted to quit my job so badly.

i cried today because i saw beauty and felt endless like i did when i was 15.
i'm so twisted and outside and lost, lost, lost.