reach out and touch faith

2003-02-07 - 12:19 p.m.

i was not in a good mood the day i met jesus. i had just started my period, so i felt bloated and gross. even though there was enough work for three people at the reg, i was the only one working there. and the night before the mole (so named for her shuffle and penchant for standing silently over your shoulder, observing with unblinking eyes) had scolded me for not saying 'thank you.' it was bullshit, and i knew it, but all i could do was get mad. so i was.

then jesus came through my checkout. he has dark hair thick with curls, big facial features, especially in the eyes and lips, and is quite pale but flushes easily. he's a tad on the short side. and he's very polite. still, i was annoyed in the way that all customers annoy me when i'm trying to get some work done, but i didn't show it. instead i rang up his purchases (what did jesus buy? i can't for the life of me recall.) and gave him my schpeal about jars of clay performing in the store soon. jesus picked up a flyer. 'wow,' he said. (of course jesus would like jars of clay.) then he frowned slightly. 'oh wait, i'll be doing the play.' i perked up a bit, being a former thespian myself. 'what play?' i inquired. 'corpus christi,' he said with some small amount of expectation of recognition in his eyes. 'oh? what's that about?' i asked. 'you've not heard of it?' he said, a trace of disbelief in his voice. 'there's been a lot of controversy about it. there was even an article in the paper...' 'i don't read the paper. and i live in a cave,' i said with a shrug of my shoulders. 'you'll have to tell me.'

'well, it's the story of jesus and the apostles...' he said (oh suuuuuuper,' i thought as i nodded indulgently at him) 'only they're all gay.' 'really?!?' i said, lighting up like the fourth of july. 'oh wow!' 'yeah. i play jesus. well, he's called joshua in the play.' he said with a modest grin. 'that sounds so cool,' i said. 'yeah? you should come see it. it plays every night this week at the university. come see it, then see me afterwards,' he said. 'thanks. i'll try,' i said, smiling a genuine smile at him.

so on wednesday jesus invited me to his play. and on thursday i went. and it was amazing, truly amazing. had i known earlier that a terrence mcnally play was being staged in town i'd have checked into it much sooner. 'love! valor! compassion!' was good, but 'a perfect ganesh' blew me away. it remains one of the most moving plays i've ever been to, right up there with 'amadeus' and 'angels in america.' 'corpus christi' was amazing. being a non-christian myself, the story of jesus hasn't held much interest for me over the years. but this play was so moving, the love among the men so strong, that for that night i saw the story of jesus in a whole new light. i don't know if i've ever cried over jesus's crucifixion, ever. it was always taught to me as something that had to happen, to save us all of our sins, something methodical, something sanctioned by god. but there was so much humanity in joshua, so much goodness, but it wasn't lofty and untouchable, it was real. 'we are all divine,' he said. it was such a beautiful story, set in modern times yet intertwining old tales from the bible. it took my breath away. if christianity followed the teachings of the jesus portrayed in the play, i might not have run so hard to get away from it.

it made me think, that play. i'm so glad that i made the time to see it. i did indeed find jesus after the play, and i told him that it was amazing, that he had done such a wonderful job. 'thank you!' he said. 'i'm the girl from the bookstore,' i said. 'oh wow, and you came!' he said. then in true christ-like fashion he smiled and said, 'you just made my night.'

i faded away after that, lost in thoughts about what i used to believe and what i've been led to believe and what i might believe and what it all means. on the way home i heard some song about living life fully on the radio, then 'one headlight' by the wallflowers. 'man i ain't changed, but i know i ain't the same.'

i wonder if i'll ever see jesus again. i hope so. he was such a nice person.

in other news, wednesday i also saw two blondes from my past: ely and angela. ely i saw in a parking lot. she's probably one of the only people from my past who hasn't said, 'oh my gosh, we need to get together soon!' people say this to me, even though we haven't kept in touch for years. as if magically we should become best friends because we went to the same high school. people say this, and i nod and smile and think, 'it just won't happen. even if i wanted to, it won't happen.' ely did not say anything of the sort. i appreciated that. she also said that i looked great, which was really sweet of her, since, as mentioned above, i had just begun my rag.

angela saw me in the store, saying my full name out loud in amazement. angela was my best friend from the time that i was little until high school, when we parted badly. i felt that she was ignoring me. i don't know what she felt, i just knew that she was ignoring me. i recall passing by her in the hallway one day and crashing shoulders with each other because neither of us would move over the extra inch to get by. that was her freshman year, and my sophomore. by the time i was a senior she had befriended the weird artsy boys whom i had also befriended. i did the plays, she sang 'landslide' and played guitar in the school talent show. i remember that she was so good, the best one, and it hurt watching her, seeing how good she was, and not being able to tell her that after the show.

so i saw her in the store. and...she's amazing. her voice deepened a bit, or maybe it's just because i haven't heard her speak in four years or so. her hair was long, and her coat had fluffy fringe. not in an obnoxious way, but in a tasteful, artsy way. she just moved to earth city. she's studying music, now that she's graduated from college. i told her how i graduated and am just working in the bookstore to get some money until i figure out my life. most people i tell confidante lies to, tell them that i'm working to make money for grad school to study library sciences. and it's not a lie in that i've thought about doing that, but the more i consider it the more i feel that going back to school, for me, would be just one more way to put my life on hold. i have all these dreams, and goddamnit, i need to start going after them, not just find ways to put them off. but people don't like to hear, 'i have no idea what i'm doing.' they like plans and courses of study and pathways laid out. they like action. they don't like ambiguity.

i could have told angela the same line that i tell everyone, which isn't so much a lie as simply one path i might choose, one of many. but with angela i felt an urge to tell the truth. so i did. i graduated. my degree is useless. i'm working in the bookstore, living with my parents, and i have no idea what i want to do with my life. no clue. and she smiled, and she said, 'it's okay, l, you don't have to know. you don't.' when did she get so wise? when did she become this totally amazing person? was it there all along, and if so, how could i have missed it? she was all hugs and smiles, and when she said, 'it's so good to see you,' i believed her. she was just amazing. when she left i felt so sad, like i missed out. she seems like someone i would love to be good friends with. sure, she gave me her email address, but come on. i burned that bridge long ago. rebuilding it would take so much, so much.

when i think of bridges burned and bridges crumbling and bridges intact but far away i get the urge to just get in my car and drive away and start a completely new life. new bridges, new dreams, new everything. sometimes i wonder what lessons i'm supposed to learn in this life. is it harder picking up and starting again, or actually staying in one place and building roots, obstacles be damned? should i stay or should i go? i used to wonder if i'd already fucked up this life completely. i'd be 11 or 12 and wondering if i'd already fucked up my life beyond all hope. i used to take solace in the little things, the conveniences of everyday living. but now i can't stop trying to get a glimpse of the big picture. but if i get that glimpse would it just make things more confusing? what does it mean, what does it mean?

start small: breath in, breath out. just breath.