can i spend the night alone

2004-01-24 - 1:57 p.m.

le sigh. i am so silly. living life in circles and such. is there any other way to live? i seriously want to know.

so i've been reading old entries from that boston gothic person. why i'm doing this instead of calling current friends who want to hang out, like nat, or writing to old friends, like sarah ann, is beyond me. of course i have been even more antisocial than usual lately. it's like reading 'the loner's manifesto' gave me permission to ignore everyone and stay home all the time. sure, it's nice to have that permission, but i'm also not a total loner. i love my friends, and ignoring them all the time just isn't cool. loner exceptions are one thing. 24/7 non-communicado 365 is another. one of these days i'm gonna actually want to leave my home, and when i do, it would be nice to see some friendly faces.

oh, and i want to be there for them, too.

*snort* i'm an awesome friend.

it's funny, when i was growing up i tended to make friends whom i thought of as stars, and i was content to be a sidekick, a player in the overall production. i just sort of gave them the spotlight, and i never thought i minded. then i went to college, and suddenly i made friends who made me the star. in boston i was at least as much of a star as my other friends, an equal star, though i still had a few pedestals on hand. then i went to wilson, and i don't know if my friends from there realize how much of a star they make me. at least it feels like they make me the star. and i've sort of taken that for granted. now i don't really hang out with people who don't treat me like the star.

this all sounds so conceited. hah.
who's to say that it's wrong that i naturally gravitate towards being the star?

that's so funny. i never realized this until just now. you, dear reader, are privy to this beam of light shining down on me and my keyboard at this very moment.

i can be acquaintances with a great many people, but the only people whom i truly hang out with over the years, all of the friends who really stay the distance treat me like a star. doesn't mean that they aren't stars themselves. they can be. they just treat me like a star in my own right.

maybe this all comes from being a middle child.

anyway, i was going to talk more about mister mystery from boston, how he has aohell instant messenger, how i signed on for the first time in years and amazingly remembered both my username and password, and how i im'ed him. but he didn't answer, so that wouldn't make a very good story.

current song: 'blue' by angie hart, from the album 'radio sunnydale.'

this song is very pretty. i like singing it. it makes me think of buffy and spike.

yes, i'm random. blame it on the laffy taffy.

and now i'm going away again now.