my harem

2003-07-23 - 3:27 p.m.

i need to find more good indian music. don't you hate it when you really get into a certain type of music, like irish or classical or whatever, and you then find all these $5 cds in your genre and you get all excited by the pretty covers only to discover that they really suck and weren't worth $4.99 of what you paid? yeah, i hate that, too. actually, those $5 classical cds can be pretty great. but if it's $5 world music, there's a reason it's $5. so i just have to wait for my birthday so that people can buy me the good indian music.

i had my first quff, as moo would say, with my roommate the other day. i was being uber paranoid, because when my mind is wound up and whirring and has nothing real to chew on it makes up horrible things and won't let them go. at that point i have to say all the horrible things out loud and have someone else reassure me that those things won't happen for them to go away. so i was listing them all, and my roommate was prepping in the bathroom, idly reassuring me, when i came to my last one, which was a doozy. at that point roomie yelled 'jesus christ!' then proceeded to explain that there's no way that could happen. i got real quite and just lay on the floor until she came out, then i went upstairs and lay on my bed for 5 minutes feeling sorry for myself.

after that i got up, grabbed my keys, and headed out the door, casually saying over my shoulder, 'i'll be in the car.' i sat in my car, waiting for her, and just as i'd decided that i was going to give her 5 exact minutes then leave, she came out. we were going to the grocery store, you see. i'd decided to not be overtly cold, but to just keep my conversation clipped and brisk, and to only speak when spoken to, and to not use five words when one would do. i let my guard slip once we were in the store, however, because i saw a giant 'seabiscuit' display, and that's mine and laura's current favourite thing to make fun of. i grinned and ran over to the display, but then i remembered myself and stalked back over to roomie and the buggy. i kept disappearing and reappearing sullenly with items such as cheese, crackers, and fruit juice. finally i offered to go get things for roomie, since i already had everything i wanted.

'are you mad at me?' she asked.
'yes,' i replied.
'is it because i yelled at you?'
'yes.'
'i'm sorry.'
'okay.'

and that was that. it was probably one of the quickest and cleanest arguments i've ever had. we went on to food shop as if nothing had ever happened. and that gives me hope that we will indeed live well together.

she does make me feel young sometimes. but then, many of my friends do. and sometimes i hate that, even when it's done subconsciously, because i associate age with wisdom. i'd like to think that i'm somewhat wise, with lots of room to grow. i hate when i feel young because i associate youth with innocence, and i'd rather be wise than innocent. but i am rather young in many ways, and i discover this the more independent i strive to become.

what i love most about independence:
making my own decisions.

what i hate most about independence:
making my own decisions.

it's a tough tit to suck on, i'll give 'er that.

right now my favourite room in the house is my bedroom. yes, i got the one with the bathtub. i love the vanity with the mirrors that open for storage. i love my sink surrounded by lush products and burt's bees stuff and bath salts and expensive soaps and body oils. i love that i have milk & honey liquid hand soap (it's wal-mart brand, and i've grown quite fond of it) and right beside that burt's bees milk & honey lotion. the bathroom, to me, was always the ultimate sign of womanhood and luxury. i've loved my mom's bathroom for forever, and now i have my own bathroom with salts and soaps and lotions. i also love my magenta shower curtain and the eiffel tower shower rings above it. as rikki said, 'if you're going to have a pink shower curtain, you might as well have paris.'

i love my canopy bed, and i love my cathedral ceiling. i love that i can play my stereo at nearly full volume and not have the neighbors hear it. i love my big window with the wide black ledge that's perfect for candles and incense. i love my walk-in closet with more shelves than i would've dreamed of. and as soon as i get more furniture, it will be perfect. my bedroom theme is harem/living study. i say 'living study' because the word 'study' by itself brings to mind dusty bookshelves with unopened books and dimly lit wooden desks with uncomfortable wooden chairs. no, my study will involve one or two bookshelves with important and well-read books, and a soft chair in the corner to curl up in, and my cds all alphabetized under my stereo, and my bust of beethoven. the harem comes into play with the dark soft fabrics and pillows around the bed, the candles and incense, the rope lights wound about the bed and the room, and of course the exquisite bathroom.

the rest of the apartment is lovely, too. i'm sure that i'll love it all more once we get some more furniture. the other night i managed to set up my tv and dvd player, a feat which i was extremely proud of, and roomie and i watched 'maid to order,' making fun of ally sheedy's mullet and the plot.

i'm anxious for the rest of the house to look as good as our bedrooms. and i'm anxious for my bedroom to be complete. i'm just anxious, and feeling mostly happy about everything.

if i can only get a good job, everything will be perfect. rikki assures me that circle city has an excellent economy and that i'll have no problem finding a job. i'm not worried about finding a job, i'm just worried about finding a job that i like. but i'm trying not to worry. i've barely even looked yet. i just worry too much because...something. i'm a freak, i'm too wound up, something. i always worry too much. but it's difficult to quite worrying cold turkey.

circle city is my nickname for my new home. i was trying to think of something in the car, and i came upon that name because of the very circular nature of the city, which is rather amazing. the hobbit in me likes the simplicity of the name.

speaking of hobbits, i finished 'return of the king' a couple of nights ago. that book affected me more than any of the others. i guess it's supposed to do that, being the grand finale of the series. at the end of...i forget which chapter, but it concerns pippin, i yelled 'bullshit!' out loud as soon as i read the last line. i have the oddest attachment to pippin, and i can't help but call him 'my pippin' in my head. fuck-ups unite, and all that. then, at the very end of the book, at the very last line, i had tears in my eyes. i don't know why, but i did. and thinking about that very last line gets me a bit misty even now. it's such a great book, and my favourite of the three, but i needed the first two to appreciate it. also, all i could think of while reading the last half of the book was slash. i got so caught up in thinking about hobbit slash that i stopped reading at one point to jot down a page of dialogue for my merry/pippin story. it just seemed so obvious, like that's what tolkien wanted us to see. then later on i kept getting ideas for frodo/sam stories at about a mile a minute. the clues in the words and the action just screamed 'slash!' i want to rewrite almost half of the entire book just to add the slash, because there are so many parts where it fits in so naturally. sure, i may be a little late to jump onto the slash wagon, but all of my favourite stories already are slash. but lord of the rings, now there's an opening for endless possibilities.

now that i've been on here for a year, i needs must go and get some stuff in order. gods only know when i'll be able to update again, but it sure was fun while it lasted. adios amigos.