little lotte

2003-06-24 - 2:07 p.m.

currently listening to the cure, cure17. i'm certain that the song has been christened by robert smith with an actual title, but i don't know what that title is, as i copied it from special k's greatest hits cd and she did not have a track listing on her. i did not want to buy the whole album, as i had all of the albums from which all of the hits came from, even though there are two new songs at the end of the album. i like cure17 better than cure18. cure18 has a good beginning, and good background music, but i'm just not digging the howls and the sort of yelling/singing of the lyrics. maybe on another day. but cure17 is wonderful, full of everything that i love about the cure: robert's emotional singing, those cure guitars, fun but loving lyrics, and some newer stuff like the electronic background and the emotional strings. i love the emotional strings.

i could easily find out the actual name of the song. but really, i don't want to. calling it cure17 gives it a sort of bootleg feel, hence making it more special and rare. my favourite part: when robert gets just one notch quieter and says,
i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. nobody writes a love song quite like robert smith.

devon keeps popping up in my dreams lately. i believe it was saturday night that i dreamt about being at that sort of summer night camp place and i visited devon's cabin. we talked and had a good time, and then she gave me a present. it was a glittering angel doll with blonde hair. when i touched her arm i found that it was made of hard plastic, but was infused with glitter all over her body. she was a large doll, about the size of my torso. actually, she looked a lot like mimi, my hot looks doll from when i was younger. she was wearing a skimpy outfit that can only be described as a red bikini connected by white fishnet that plunged into a deep v in the front. at the back were tiny white shiny wings attached to the fishnet. i thanked devon for the present, then realized that i was meant to wear the outfit, but i knew that there was no way that it would fit. i tried it on anyway and was amazed to find that it did indeed fit, and i looked good in it. i loved having the tiny wings at my back. then we heard someone coming and i got embarrassed, so i started to leave or hide or something. i don't know which because then i woke up.

then sunday night i dreamt that i was in the middle of a real-life phantom of the opera story, only it was played for an audience at the same time. i was christine, but i desperately wanted to be the phantom because i identified with him so strongly, and i knew how he felt. (that part is true to waking life. i've always wanted to play the phantom.) then i either was the phantom or observing the phantom, and he was terrorizing this victorian-era town and taking specific revenge on those who had wronged him. there was something with a cruel schoolmistress alone in the schoolhouse at night, and the phantom visited her and turned her schoolhouse into a giant whirlpool. i don't know who i was at that point but i remember hearing her screams and swirling around and around in that giant pool, and as i floated in a circle i kept passing these giant still forms of people lying horizontally, their faces twisted in horror and pain, but all i could see was the barest shadowed picture of them since the room was dark. it was like i was on a scary ride at an amusement park.

then we were performing the phantom story in a room, but it was too small, and as soon as i said that we were on a stage, performing by candlelight at night. i don't know what happened next, but suddenly it was all over, and i was in a fluorescent-lit hallway, dim but still very white and bright after all the darkness from the beginning of the dream. i was with devon, and we were visiting erin in what looked like a college dorm. we knocked on her door, and she let us in then began talking to devon, excitedly showing her an alanis morrisette maxi-cd with 'that song that i wanted you to hear,' she said. they sat in the corner by the stereo, and i sat on the opposite side of the room, thinking about the phantom and crying...for him, i suppose. crying for loving him and missing him and knowing how he felt, and wanting to be with him. then devon and erin walked over to me and put their arms around me in a comforting hug. erin held up the cd case of the album she had been wanting devon to hear and pointed to a song title on the back, near the top of the cd, around the region of number 2 on the album: 'vampire lovers.' and she smiled, and i smiled, and i felt better because...of their comfort and understanding, and because when erin pointed out that song it was supposed to be about me. and that made me feel better. then i woke up.

yeah. i've had dreams in which i ride amusement park rides before, and it's almost always some sort of nightmare. it's always dark, and most times there's water all around me, and i'm floating in the darkness, and i'm afraid of falling out and into the water, because then i'd be lost. i'm sure that means something. or maybe it's just because amusement park rides really are kind of scary as fuck, especially when you're little. perhaps i should get a job at an amusement park, like a behind-the-scenes job where i have to go and clean out the haunted house or mr. toad's wild ride or something. face my fears and all.

or maybe i just shouldn't worry about it. that would be something new and different for me to try.