i just don't know what to do with myself

2003-11-11 - 6:15 p.m.

i am...unhappy.

unfulfilled.

undone.

under a black cloud

quiet, not loud

surly, not proud

discomforted, displaced, disappointed.

lump gave me a five-page letter, pointing out in a condescending way how i am not following her nazi regime to the letter. i, in turn, plan to give her an ultimatum: find a new roommate by the end of the month, or i'm breaking the lease.

and i've gone over and over and over it in my head, wondering if moving back home would be any better, but at least i'd be living with people who love me, people who care about me, not some short frumpy narcissistic control freak. and i could be with my sisters, who won't be around the ol' hometown for much longer, and i could visit my grandparents, who have gone through some rough patches lately, and i could finally meet pippin, moo's manx kitten, and chat with mom every day without long distance, and go to the movies with dad...and basically resume my old life as of a year ago.

and yeah, i wasn't happy, but i'm surely no happier now. and until i do know, for certain, what will make me happy, i might as well be around the people whom i love.

the great irony is that i finally got my place perfect. all the posters and wind chimes are hung, all the lights wound 'round this and that, all the books and cds organized just right, and even my walk-in closet is perfect, after all these months of disarray, it's organized and clothes are hung and folded and it's perfect. just in time to pack it all up again and move out.

i should have known. i really should have. i shouldn't have been so hasty to be spontaneous. i shouldn't have tried so hard and taken it up the ass (in an uncomfortable, non-sexy way) for as long as i have. and in her letter she writes that she still doesn't regret asking me to move in somewhere with her. well i've regretted it for months now, and it can't go on like this. i cannot live with a spoiled, selfish, immature, self-righteous, negative little nazi who subtracts more from my life than she's ever added.

and i just got a new job, too. and it looks like fun. but fuck it. nothing is worth putting up with her. i should have known. why did i trust her? why did i believe her? why did i keep the faith after so long?

sigh.

i have that writer's thing about going home. you know, that thing that they talk about in 'orange county' (the main reason why i love that movie like i do) in which writers have a complicated relationship with their homelands. that's me. i love where i'm from. it's beautiful and that's where all of my family is and i'm proud to be part of the eighth generation of my people in that land. but then i'm there and i'm depressed, and i feel trapped, and gloomy, and...ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!

in the words of the white stripes and burt bacharach, "i just don't know what to do with myself."

just a little direction is all i ask, lord. great spirit above, just show me a path, any path, to happiness. i know that there are tons of them out there. i just can't ever seem to find them. or when i do, i don't know a good thing until it's gone, so i double back, and i always end up feeling like i've never moved at all.

just one straight shot at happiness, that's all i ask. some way to balance out all those conflicting things that i need to get there.

i know that's asking a lot. but if i could get that, i wouldn't even be upset if i didn't get that new camera for christmas.