with your feet on the air and your head on the ground

2003-03-30 - 10:16 a.m.

everything is blurry. probably because i'm not wearing my glasses. and i can't wear my glasses because they were in my purse. and last night someone broke a window on my car and stole my purse out of her.

yeah, that sucks.

i was walking to my car just after midnight, when we all got off work. i was planning to head to midnight suishi with mary anne, rob, and kathryn. i walked over to my car and the first thing i saw was broken glass on the pavement by my door. 'what did someone break near my car?' i innocently thought, until i began to put my key in the lock. that's when i saw that i had no driver's side window. that's when my heart stopped. i glanced in, saw that my purse was gone, and thinking that my phone was in my purse i ran over to kathryn's car before she left and asked to use her phone, because my car was broken into and my purse was stolen. kathryn said of course and tried to get me to sit down in her passenger seat, but i couldn't sit, i had to see the damage, i had to see. as soon as i dialed my dad i thought about all my cds in the floorboard right beside my purse, and i almost threw up. i ran over to my car and looked in, and by some miracle they were still there, all three cases, including the one with sark's autograph in it and all those import cds. that calmed me as much as one can be calmed after her car has been broken into.

one by one i began thinking about all the special things that were in my car and i began frantically searching for them: shawl from costa rica, still there; purple docs from london, still there; beads from greece, still there; cd player, bauhaus t-shirt, black shoes, garage door opener, all still there. the only thing missing was my purse.

i called dad and spoke to him so frantically and sobbing and high-pitched that he thought that i was my little sister, so he called my older sister, since she was up at the university, and asked her to check on moo. laura called moo, confused as to why she would be at my bookstore, and discovered that moo had no idea what anyone was talking about. laura called dad back and then dad realized that it was me and not my little sister. meanwhile i was filing a report with the police on kathryn's phone. the cop was nice enough. he wasn't reassuring or comforting or anything, but he wasn't mean or cold. he simply conducted buisiness in the most efficient way he could. though he did say to me, 'i know this might be wrong to say now, but that's really not a good place to leave your purse.' oh thank you, officer obvious. because, y'know, without your warning i might just go out, buy another purse, and leave it in my floorboard next week.

officer waggoner (an oddly comforting name) offered to send the crimelab down to dust for prints, but he added that it might take a while and there's no guarantee that they'd find anything. the cop sounded like he was discouraging me from asking for the crimelab, but i asked my coworkers what they thought. they agreed that if the purse was the only thing missing, then the purse is probably the only thing they touched. so i declined the offer. then, just before i hung up with the cop, i said, 'i know this might seem like a stupid question, but when i go to get my license, will they make me take the test again?' 'no m'am, that's why we give you this report number, so you don't have to do that.' 'oh, good, because i really didn't want to take that test again,' i said, still crying, but smiling as i did so.

yes, i cried. i cried a lot, on and off, like a faucet. i kept breaking down into tears in front of the coworkers who hadn't left: jack, natalie, and kathryn. and they were so amazing about it. i found myself wondering how they could be so amazing about it when i was all sobbing and it was so cold out. kathryn was the one who first called the police, and every time i broke into fresh tears someone would hug me and hold me. jack and kathryn looked around the building in case they discarded my purse anywhere around the store, then when i called mom and she suggested checking the dumpsters, everyone walked around back with me and looked in all the dumpsters, and jack checked all the trash cans and the parking lot out front. i mentioned how much i hated crying and felt stupid for doing so, and jack said that when he got mugged while attending the university, even though all they got was $26, he sat down in the stairwell once he got back to his dorm and cried for an hour. jack and kathryn cleaned as much glass as they could out of the driver's seat and natalie ran to her car and got a sleeping bag for me to sit on to protect me from the glass and the wet seat. then, when i began to drive home, natalie called me (i ended up finding my phone in my glovebox; i had forgotten that i had put it there earlier) and offered to go for coffee and talk or whatever i needed. i told her that i was cold and tired and just wanted to go home, but she stayed on the phone with me the whole 40 minute drive to my house. in retrospect, had she not done that, i would have probably been thinking and sobbing too much to see straight, but as it was, we just talked the whole time. she even promised to go shopping with me for new lip gloss. they were all so wonderful. no one could hope to have better coworkers.

and now i'm just sitting here at home, typing blurrily away, trying not to think too much. if i think too much i get upset, and mostly angry. i know i'm supposed to turn the other cheek and all that, but i'm so angry at whoever did this. i've always made a huge distinction between people who steal from corporations and chains, and people who steal from individual people. the latter are the lowest. what gives them the right to fuck up my car and steal my purse? i'm just so angry. i hope that when they broke my window they cut themselves on the glass, really badly. i hope that they bleed and get ganggreen. i hope that they're arm falls off. i want to see them, i want to look into the face or faces of those that did this and i want to beat the living shit out of them. i'm trying to find some peace, but all i feel is rage, old fashioned eye-for-an-eye type rage.

and i'm also terrified. i'm terrified that if i think too long, i'll remember something precious and irreplaceble in my purse. chapstick, lipgloss, glitter, bubbles, essential oil...all of that can be replaced with relative ease. the glasses and glasses case missing really sucks, but i was literally going to look for new glasses next week. thank god i didn't already have new ones in my purse! i had part of a necklace, and some buttons, but i'm okay without them. just as i was dozing off i woke up and said, 'camera. my camera was in my purse.' and yes, it was a $140 camera, but even that i'm not too upset over. at least there was no film in it. there was, however, no money in it. not even a one dollar bill. the most that was there was some spare change. ha ha, motherfuckers.

i'm constantly fighting the urge to think think think because i'm so afraid of remembering something precious. the pruse itself was from london, and while that sucks, i was using it less and less, so i'm oddly okay. it's mostly the whole feeling of violation that upsets me. as anyone reading this probably knows, i love my car. breaking her window is liking breaking a loved one's arm. and there's the feeling of being exposed, all my i.d.s with my home address on them and pictures of myself on those i.d.s...sometimes i think i'm okay, then other times it's everything i can do not to freak out. i'm still in disbelief, the morning after. i'm still in shock and disbelief. no, it's a bad dream, no this doesn't happen to me, no, it's okay, i'm alright. actually the last part is true. i'm alright. as my sister pointed out, at least i wasn't there when whoever did this was around. yeah, i say i'd love to beat the shit out of them, and i mean it, but in truth, i have no idea who these people or person were, what they used to break the window, if they were armed, if they were crackheads, whatever. i just don't know.

and it could have been worse. it could have been soooooo much worse. they could have taken my cds. they could have taken my car. i'm grateful for my blessings. i'm upset and disoriented, but i'm grateful. part of me has always believed that there is a set amount of shit that people have to go through in life. things can't always be rosey and wonderful. people have to deal with crime and sickness and traffic tickets and being alone and all sorts of things. we've all got shit to deal with, and that which does not kill us makes us stronger. so part of me thinks that this is just part of my shit pile that i'm dealing with. maybe everyone has to go through some form of crime or some form of violation or just something that makes you feel helpless in life, and maybe my guardian angel was lookin' out for me by keeping me inside tha store while shit was being done to my car. who knows? i'm just trying to find something to make me feel better in all of this.