shaking your good frame

2003-02-21 - 10:03 p.m.

yeah, so today...whew. kinda fun. kinda funky. kinda...fucked up. not in a good way or even a bad way. just in a funky i-feel-weird kinda way.

but first: am listening to the pixies, 'doolittle.' la la love the pixies. see chris's point in connecting the white stripes to the pixies. black francis and jack white certainly have similar vocal talents. and i love them both. la la love them.

so this morning i went in and opened the cafe, as i've been doing all week. as evil as it is to forcibly wake up before noon, i actually really enjoy that first hour before the store opens, when i can sing and do my duties uninterrupted. i like it. though the smell of coffee is starting to turn my morning stomach sour. and as i rarely eat in the morning, the dry heaves are not too likable.

(funny sideline: i just looked at the clock and realized that the store is still open. i'm so used to working late at night that it's crazy to actually get off work in the early afternoon and have time to do shit before the sun goes down.)

so last night i watched 'lilo & stitch' because it had been too long since i'd seen it last, and this morning i was still seeing visions of hawaii in my head as i turned to dress, so i put on my green tie-dye dress that i stole from laura all those years ago. but instead of wearing my knee-high socks i just let my hairy legs show and went braless. wheee. of course i turn into a full-fledged hippie as soon as i step off of hallowed hippie u ground. life's so funny like that. or maybe it's just me.

any poo, so there i was, all decked out, earth mother style, when uncle bill comes by and says, 'gosh, you are just so bohemian!' i beamed and said, 'thank you!' uncle bill added, 'and i love that you're cool enough to know that's a compliment.' i beamed some more. then, somehow, we got on the subject of his favourite guitar, which was stolen out of spite. 'this is my chance,' i thought. so i replied to his story of loss with, 'yeah, i think it was scott cunningham who said that people always asked him if he had a special necklace, and he said no, because it could just get lost or stolen, and he didn't want to place that much emotion on a material possession like that. but it's just so hard. i know that i'm really attached to my necklaces.' uncle bill listened quietly, then as i finished he pulled out a silver pentacle on a silver chain that was around his neck yet hidden under his shirt. 'yeah, this is my special necklace. i always wear it. and look,' he held it out towards me more, 'how tarnished the side that's out is, but how smooth the side that i wear next to my skin is. of course, that's what it's supposed to do.' i smiled. 'yeah,' i added.

and that was that. i feel that he got the drift. scott cunningham isn't exactly casual reading, especially for non-pagans. he probably suspected, just as i suspected him before he ever mentioned celebrating yule. there are ways people of similar cultures find to identify each other. it's pretty cool.

then it got weird. a little later on, i was in the middle of making coffee when uncle bill came back over to the cafe. 'maybe this is just uncle bill sticking his nose in things again,' he began. 'what?' i asked. 'well, just wanted to warn you about that jen girl. she's got a girlfriend.' i looked at him, completely startled and taken aback. 'what?!?' i asked once more, but in a completely different tone. 'i think it's clear that she's taken a cotton to ya. you like my slang there, taken a cotton to ya?' i just stared at him. 'and i know that we're all just humans, and people will be people...' 'i would never do that!' i jumped in. 'i would never do that!' 'oh, and jen wouldn't either, come to think of it. but, just wanted to stick my nose in there.' i didn't know what to say. i wanted to say a million things, but all i said was, 'i would never do that' a few times, to which uncle bill replied, 'well, we're all humans. we're not perfect.' and i grinned forcibly, trying to grind some humor out of the situation. 'well, i am perfect, luckily, which makes life much less of a burden to me.'

it was so weird.

a.) i've been in a similar situation, only i was the one who liked the guy who had a girlfriend. there were sparks, there were lonely nights, there were times alone together, and i never touched him. why? because he had a girlfriend. probably still does. they're off living happily ever after in a liberal feminist's wet dream, shacked up in seattle. okay, had he made a move, i don't know how well i would have handled the situation. but i really, really really liked him. and i had to make an effort not to touch him. but i made that effort. because i'm cool. because i know how bad that is to do to someone.

b.) who ever said that i liked jen back? i don't recall ever doing anything that would give anyone that impression. okay, so we'd say dumb things to each other, but it's the same dumb stuff that i say to all my friends. and no, i'm not one of the slutty hippies who still believe that loving the world means sleeping with everything within reach, not to mention heavy make-out sessions with friends. i went to hippie u, i knew those people, and that's fine for them, but i don't randomly make out with people. anymore.

c.) okay, so i sort of knew that she had 'taken a cotton to me.' i mean, when she asked me if i would date her if she didn't have a girlfriend, and when she talks about her constant relationship problems, i think that's kind of a clear sign. (for the record, i just said, 'i don't know.' and she smiled and said, 'that's about as honest an answer as you can give.')

d.) but none of that changes the basic fact that i don't like her like that. because i don't. i don't see anything that we have in common at all, besides humor. hers is sarcastic while mine is much more self-deprecating in a childish way. i don't see why she'd like me, anyway. i mean, i'm cool, but you've gotta have more to go on than just, 'she's cool.' like, shit in common, and stuff.

i guess that when uncle bill said that to me, i felt like he was pre-blaming me. it was all 'minority report' up in my grill this morning. what the dilly, yo? besides besides, i don't even think she likes me like that anymore. it's like after she asked me that question, she's much less playful and open with me. i feel like i'm struggling just to make things normal, just to keep up a humorous routine. the fact that she's my supervisor doesn't help my shit at all.

so at first i was all shocked, but the more i think about it, the funnier it gets, in a weird way. i can't wait to tell kathryn about this.

i mean, uncle bill is cool and all, but he's been acting really weird lately, first with our conversation, then when mary anne said that he bawled her out for 'abandoning her post' when she ran back to the cafe for a second to help me with a whipped cream crisis. she said that she felt like crying. and i felt really guilty and bad about it, since i had called her away, but she assured me that it wasn't my fault. i was amazed that he had been the one to bawl her out. earlier he made a joke about being sorry that i had to work with a spaz when mary anne came back to work during my break. maybe he just doesn't like her. i guess i often make the mistake of thinking that people are all-wise and compassionate just because they're older pagans. they're still human, just like uncle bill said.

so that was weirdness to the nth degree. but that wasn't all.

so there's this guy at work. let's call him scott. and he works in the cafe as well, but i've never really talked with him much because i've been chained to the registers. well today he came in and the first thing he said was 'what a gorgeous dress!' to me. and i worked about 30 minutes overtime to help him with the line, and the whole time it was all smiles and compliments. he complimented my watch, saying that i had good taste, and since he spent all week locked up that he had to comment on good taste when he saw it. and he kept saying how he didn't want me to go, and how i have such a wonderful smile. and i grinned and said, 'it would just break your heart, wouldn't it?' and he said, 'not just my heart, the cafe's heart!'

oh, here's the thing: he's wicked old. like, seriously. he's ageless in a weirdly elfin age, but you'd still say that he's a wizened elf. okay, not wicked wicked old. his hair is still its natural colour (i think), and he has all his teeth. i don't know, i'm so bad with ages. he could be anywhere from 39 to 53. i honestly don't know. so, of course, i'm like, 'woah, back off, hey, don't, are you, are you flirting with this guy? is that what you're doing? flirting with this guy who's literally old enough to be your father? that's sick. i mean, it's fine for others, to each his own, whatever, but dude, for you, that's sick.'

but i heeded my inner voice no mind and kept smiling and laughing. secretly i argued, 'how can i not smile and laugh? he's charming and funny. that's all. just a charming older gent.' for some reason i wasn't creeped out, and i wasn't afraid to respond to him. i even placed a sticker on his shirt that read, 'we'll grind it for you!' he said that he was taken aback by the sticker. i laughed and smiled. he asked if i had graduated from school yet. i said yes. he asked if i went to the university, and i said no, i went to hippie u on top of a mountain. he blinked, then said, 'oh, i was asking if you'd graduated high school. you look very young.' 'yeah, i know,' i replied, then i told him about the girl who asked if i was 14, and how i exclaimed, 'no, i'm 23!' he asked what i studied, and when i told him english/creative writing, he said, 'oh, then you'd know dorothy parker.' 'oh yes, i love her,' i said. 'she's my favourite.' then he asked me to recite 'if,' but i was unfamiliar with it, so i gracefully declined. when i finally got ready to leave he said, 'oh man, now i really am upset that you're leaving.'

he mentioned that he was locked up all week. is that figurative language at work, or literal narrative? is he in prison? do they let him out twice a week or so to come work in a bookstore's cafe? i don't know anything about him.

he smelled like patchouli. very potent, very heady. and god, there's just something about patchouli, don't ask me why, but it's a very powerful aphrodisiac to my nose. once i smell it, really good, deep stuff, i get all tingly and woozy. it's gotta be some chemical thing that i was born with. something about human beings wearing patchouli oil just sets me off like a firecracker. (this is not a well-known fact, so please, dear reader, do keep this to yourself. god knows everyone within a hundred mile radius will be trying to seduce me once they find out my hidden weakness.)

this is totally all in my head, and ridiculous to boot. but god help me if i wasn't having erotic thoughts and feelings for this older gentleman earlier today. it was brief, but i'll tell you this much: it was something.

mildly disturbing in afterthought, sort of like the erotic fantasies i used to have in boston revolving around tying my portly science professor to the bed. if you saw this man, you'd think, 'jesus god, what the hell is wrong with you?!?' the other students used to joke that his legs were slightly green due to the gangrene that he'd caught by wearing shorts every single day, no matter what the weather. and i can't explain it. it was nothing real, nothing that i'd ever act upon. it was simply a fantasy that i adored indulging, and it sure as shit made those long science lectures a hell of a lot less boring.

for some reason, every now and then i just have to fantasize about some completely random person. magazine cut-outs almost never do it for me. it's always the quirky ones, the outsiders, the fringe-dwellers.

or maybe i'm just flirting with everyone lately, because, well, i don't know. i flirt with kathryn, but that's just stupid fun flirting. after admitting that i sometimes don't wear a bra to work, kathryn kept exclaiming how that must hurt because my boobs are so big. and i was all, 'um, excuse me? my boobs are so not big. they're normal, if anything.' we left the mexican bar and went to the british pub, where rob and i began chatting about goth music. suddenly i stopped talking and looked diagonally over the table at kathryn, who looked up and exclaimed, 'oh man, you totally just caught me checking out your boobs!' apparently she and natalie were studying my chest, trying to figure out how i could go braless. i just laughed and pushed my chest out for further examination.

i tend to feel really flirty and fun towards the ends of my shifts lately. it's probably all the sleep deprivation.