fall into the sky

2003-02-23 - 4:49 p.m.

in rereading my previous two entries i feel the need to clarify something. it might seem that i was leading the older gentleman on by smiling and being flirty and such while having no interest in him whatsoever. and, that's my fault, i'll admit. i could have toned down my niceness a degree or so and perhaps avoided having him ask me out.

but, in my defense, i act that way with everyone. i really do. that might not seem like much of a defense (leading on the world, perhaps?) but it's just part of my personality. i was raised to be polite and friendly, so that's how i am around other people. it takes a lot for me to show that i'm having a bad day to people whom i don't know that well. and i never flirt with sexual connotations. in fact, it took several years of having friends point it out for me to realize that what i do is flirting at all. i smile, i laugh, i respond with witty quips. that's my thing, man. and, apparently, this is the first level of what is known as 'flirting.' i'm beginning to realize when i'm flirting, but most of the time it's purely an automatic response.

i dread working with him again. and whatever excuse i use to avoid going out with him will bite me in the ass. if i say i'm celibate, then the next day i'll have someone like the libra ask me out, and probably right in front of scott. if i say i don't date older men, then right at that moment johnny depp will walk in and try to sweep me off my feet. (of course, even johnny depp is younger than this guy, but still, you get the drift.) if i say that i'm a lesbian, well, that's a whole other barrel of fish. i'll get more problems with that line than i have already.

i'm so bad at turning people down. i never know how to do it kindly and gracefully. and for some reason the guys that approach me rarely believe my excuses anyway. like that guy who came up to me in cambridge as i was making my way to manray, the local goth club. i told him that i had a boyfriend back home. the guy replied that 'he wouldn't need to know.' i just shook my head and said, 'i don't think that would be right. do you?' even as he walked away he turned around and yelled from a block down the street, 'won't you give a black man a chance?!?' 'sorry,' i said, then quickly crossed the street to the safety of the club.

what sucks is that even the ol' 'i'm a lesbian' excuse doesn't work as well as it used to. half the time it's just a bigger turn-on. then there's the whole 'you just haven't had the right dick yet' mentality.

oh, it's such a mess. and i think that i've got some of it figured out: i don't realize that someone's hitting on me unless it's blatant and over-the-top. but then the blatant ones come off as cocky and completely unsmooth, which is a huge turn-off for me. but the ones i do like are too timid or subtle to ask me out. there must be a happy medium somewhere, a smooth but quieter guy who's charming but not cocky, who can ask me out on a date without sounding sleazy. or i could just ask out guys myself. oh, but rejection looms overhead, and fear, and all that other low self-esteem crap. even though i've got some of it figured out, it's still just a big ol' mess.

there was a time in my life when actual datable people were asking me out. and i actually went out on dates with said people. those were good times. whatever happened to those times? am i just too old for things to be that easy again?

maybe i should be drastic and daring. maybe i should just (gasp!) ask people out myself. but then how to avoid the tricky set of guidelines that i myself hold dear to? to be smooth, charming, but not over-the-top, not cocky. it should pique interest while keeping an air of mystery and adventure. maybe i should practice date first before heading full-fledged into asking out someone whom i really really like. not that there is anyone currently whom i really really like. but still, i could use the practice. maybe i'll start with the libra. he seems easy enough to talk to. he's a musician, he loves movies, and he's not bad on the eyes. okay, okay, one of his top five movies is 'legends of the fall.' and that first day we talked i kept asking him questions and he'd respond without asking me questions back. and he insulted my car. so i don't wanna live with the guy. so what? we could have some laughs. the book of divination says that everyone should have a libran lover at least once in her or his life, and all the astrology books that i've ever read have said that two libras are a hot combo. it could be interesting. it could be fun. and it's definitely good practice.

ah, but how to approach him? we no longer work in the same area, so finding time to chat is far and few between. i suppose i'll just trust my libran instincts in this manner. maybe i'll just ask him when he could read my cards, saying that i'm having an interesting time lately and that i'd really appreciate a look into my current situation, especially from one with a gift such as him. ah ha! that way i'm hinting at adventure (getting together to do mystical things) and mystery (what's happening in my life right now that's so interesting?) while keeping it all friendly. it's almost on a practical level. this isn't dinner and dancing, it's a card reading, because i am in need and he can help me. and it's flattering him to boot, by saying that i trust in his abilities enough to specifically ask him to read my cards. he seems like the type who's eager to show off his talents, and if nothing else, i'd really love a tarot reading right about now.

oh ho, i think that i've stumbled upon a plan.