sharp fuse burning all the time

2003-04-26 - 10:58 p.m.

i always feel like writing whenever there are lots of people around. i suppose it's leftover from the days when i would take a notebook to every party and social gathering imaginable, and when i couldn't find anyone to talk to i'd simply sit in a corner and write. of course, if anyone did want to talk to me, my intense writing probably scared them off. hee hee.

there are lots of people here. laura's filming a movie for her film class, and in a couple of weeks her film along with her classmates' films will be shown at the art theatre downtown. pretty cool. i tried to not be antisocial, but it's in my nature to wander off. actually, the wandering off might just be one of my favourite parts of social gatherings. then of course, there's the part where some concerned friend or relative seeks me out to make sure that i'm alright. ahh, good times. either i'm the star or the quiet one, no inbetween. there aren't many inbetweens with me.

i wrote a punk song the other day called 'soy robot.' it was inspired by a customer at work. currently i'm working on a short piece, maybe a poem, about the strange motorcycles following me then disappearing earlier today around twilight. i'm also working on 'an open letter to jack white, part II.' in my dream last night i actually found a legit address to send jack my letters. i was thrilled that i could finally begin a real correspondence with him.

i love jack white more and more, every time i see him. funny thing is, in my wildest dreams i only hope to hang out with him in a casual setting orchestrated by mutual friends or some such informal gathering. even though i go on and on about us being soulmates and all, i never really imagine us dating. lane, on the other hand, doesn't simply have celebrity infatuations. she talks about dreams and signs, ways in which she knows that she and her celebrity boy will meet and become an item. she carries pictures of celebrity boys around in her wallet. rikki says it's weird. i smile, because i love her for it.

i thought that i couldn't get any more stressed out than being in the position of not knowing what i'm going to do for just the next 12 months of my life, but now i've made some actual plans and i'm just as stressed out as ever. this entire week has been horribly stressful, and it's taken a physical toll on me. but then friday made the entire week better. i hung out with natalie, doing business things but still enjoying myself, then took her to have dinner with my family and some friends. i haven't sat at a table with that many people at it since thanksgiving. it was awesome. afterwards moo, her friends, and i saw 'bend it like beckham,' and i must admit to being totally smitten with that film. of course, jonathon rhys-meyers speaking with his native irish tongue might have had something to do with it. the funny thing is, it really is a 'feel good movie.' i left the theatre walking on air, and i drove home listening to new order and the strokes and feeling magical and fabulous and beautiful and alive. it was a good day, friday.

funny thing about new order is that they always manage to send me some cosmic message through their music. i always connect with them at very pivotal times in my life. first came 'temptation,' when i first went to wilson, then 'true faith' when i discovered my inner red, then 'temptation' came back stronger than the first time when leaving wilson, and now 'regret' is the current song du jour of my life.

i would like a place i could call my own
have a conversation on the telephone
wake up every day that would be a start
i would not complain about my wounded heart

that's the song i've been blasting through my speakers and driving at 90 to the most, besides the new white stripes ('seven nation army' is badass).

i'm making decisions i never thought i'd make. this year of fire and change continues to surprise me.