little fires burning

2003-05-16 - 4:39 p.m.

right now i'm burning every remaining stick of patchouli incense that i own. i've never felt quite the same way about the smell of patchouli since working with creepy scott, and even though he quite working in the bookstore a couple of weeks ago, i still can't think of the scent the same way. this is excluding all those creepy older 'earthy' men who come into the store also reeking of patchouli. they never just smell faintly of patchouli, they always reek of it. and so i'm burning six sticks of patchouli in my bathroom as i type, just to rid myself of the stuff.

every single sentence in the last paragraph contained the word 'patchouli.' what fun.

i was just now digging through my room, trying to find the picture of lane and i dressed as trent reznor and robert smith, respectively, at the fairy formal. i'm looking for the one where lane is grabbing her crotch and it looks like she has a dick. i couldn't find it, so i'll just have to use something else to make her graduation gift. however, i did find a tiny bottle of 'happy' perfume, which i put on to cover up the scent of patcholi. now i smell like my mom, and that's comforting.

i also found millions of pictures from the last two years. it's odd, but i looked at those pictures and i thought, 'wow, i was really beautiful.' sure, i still say that i'm beautiful all the time, but saying and feeling are two separate things. and i don't think that i'm necessarily ugly on the whole, but on a daily basis i don't think of myself as beautiful. my self-esteem hasn't been this low since high school. of course, everyone had low self-esteem in high school. even if you think you didn't, secretly, you did. but in these pictures it's not so much about physical beauty. i just look...happy. really happy. i haven't looked that happy in a while. of course, i guess that the last two years of my life have been pretty full. no wonder it feels like my world has come to a screeching halt. it seems like everyone else is just starting their adventures, and mine have already gone. even in looking at the pictures from scotland, when i worked for that horrible lady, there were times of serenity and silent bliss and freedom, and i managed to catch a bit of those times in those pictures.

***

i ran away for a moment, because it smelled like the wrong kind of smoke coming from the basement. but the incense was burning along nicely. then i had a sudden flash of inspiration, ran out to the garage, looked in a particular box, and voila: i found the dick picture of lane. hooray! i also found pictures of asher and jesse. jesse, with his beautiful boston smile. looking at the picture, i almost forget why i loved him so much. isn't that odd? to idealize someone so much in your mind that just looking at the vaguest form of reality provided in a picture can knock someone off the pedestal? i don't so much wish that i still knew him as wish that i could feel the way i once felt when i was around him. that was the year when i walked on air, unbelievably happy all the time, because dream boys like ones i'd always wanted to know were alive! they existed! it was possible, and it wasn't a fluke, because i met two of them in one year! they were the two pictures of perfection, as well: one was the perfect summer fling, the guy whom you lost your virginity to in a field of wildflowers, the one you spent every moment of those three months with, and the other was the perfect boy for all seasons, the one you could take home to mom and imagine growing old with and be excited about spending the rest of your life with just him. i used to be happy having just met those boys, feeling their presence in the universe. i haven't felt that way since. maybe it was just a glorious year, and everything would seem wonderful, just like everything has seemed horrible in the last two years.

the pictures of asher just made me smile, though. ahh, my first real boston crush. standing in his black skirt and grey socks, with his black hair all in his face, i can't help but think of how much he looks like gary numan. to think that i had a thing for a guy who looked like gary numan. hee hee. he was cute, even if slightly pretentious and a bit whorish. hey, he was a libra. i wonder whatever happened to him? i heard that he went back to new jersey to live with his folks. it's funny how boston was just this city full of kids without grownups, many on their own for the first time. in boston we were free of everything: responsibilities, penalties, safety nets. it was dangerous and exciting at the same time.

speaking of which, this year of fire just keeps going. yesterday laura and i were in the craft store near the bookstore where i work when the power went out. turns out there was a tornado going through town. very near us, as a matter of fact. laura voiced what i could only think: 'i don't wanna die in a craft store!' funny thing is, we were in the check-out line to leave, and i was picking up a tie-dye bandana when i said, 'we better hurry up and buy this stuff before the power goes out so that i can use my credit card!' i was literally barely finished speaking when the lights blinked then died completely. eerie, that. we huddled in the craft store for a while before they proclaimed it safe for us to leave. the power still wasn't on, so we put out name and phone number on a post-it with our basket and left.

it's funny, this year of fire. bad things are happening, but still there's someone or something cushioning the blow, making sure we're okay. my car got broken into, but they only took my purse, not my valuable cds lying right beside the purse. a tornado blows through town, but my sister and i were inside when it hit. if i hadn't gotten off of work late, if we hadn't taken a little bit of extra time in the store, we would have both been on the road driving when it happened. that...would have been so much worse. i had my first ever allergic reaction to eye drops the other day, but it only affected my skin, not my eyes, and now i'm going to get allergy tested, which will help me out in the long run. i'm going to have surgery to get my wisdom teeth out next month...okay, we're still waiting on the good part of that. but it'll turn out okay, i feel. all this kinda crappy stuff is happening, but there's also something protecting us, too. it's very odd, but kinda cool.

yes, that's like the tenth time i've said something was odd in this entry, but life is very odd right now. there are only a few things that i can't seem to find the good side of: the current war, my current depression and hopelessness, and my job. i'm sure there's something there that's keeping everything from being a lot worse, it's just hard for me to see right now.

i know, deep down, that this is all a cycle, that that's how life is, and that if i just hold on for a little while good things will happen. the tides will turn, as tides always do. i know this, i just wish that i could feel it, too.