breaking the chain

2003-12-08 - 11:46 a.m.

i have eaten many donuts this morning, most of them custard filled. despite this i can still find pockets of thin on my body: the line between my hip and thigh, the innermost point of hourglass towards the bottom of my ribcage. luckily my ass is still round and full. perhaps the donuts will go there. i wouldn't mind that.

i could talk about the past month and what all has happened, the screaming, the fighting, the knawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, steady and constant for weeks on end. but i'm moving past all that. i hope. i had a dream last night in which i visited my former roommate last night, and things were heated, but i collected everything i needed, then i left. and that dream gave me more peace, more closure. hopefully that will be all that i need to put the whole experience behind me.

yeah, a big part of me wants to do my hibernation thing where i curl up into a ball and don't emerge for another six months. i go to work then i go home, my only contact being with my family. and that's okay, that's worked for me in the past. but there's also this gleaming kernel of something that won't let me just roll over and die, call it what you will. that part keeps me planning, keeps me thinking and moving and doing.

every time i have one of these bad experiences i think, 'it can't get worse than this.' then a year later it does just that, get worse. first living with bailey and lauren in london in august 2001, then being an unpaid slave for margaret in august 2002, and then living with rikki in 2003, which has been by far the worst of all of them. at least in london i had mary in the same room. at least with margaret i got to explore scotland. there was nothing good about living with rikki, save for two things: i now know that i can be an adult and live on my own, and i have lived through the experience (the whole 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger blah blah'). i thought that moving in with a friend was a safe bet. well, when it comes to other people there are no safe bets. and now i know that.

every year i think, 'it can't get worse than this.' and it always does. so y'know what? i fully acknowledge that as horrible as living with rikki was, it can get even worse. but i refuse to get there. i'm breaking the curse as of now. things could get worse, but i won't let them. things will get better from this point on. so says i.

and now i'm off to find the boy who makes my days brighter (who's probably hiding under the christmas tree as we speak).