around the world

2003-07-02 - 2:17 a.m.

i just finished watching 'kama sutra: a tale of love' yet again, only this time i watched it with my siblings. as we watched it i kept gushing about the clothes and the music and the dances, and laura turned to me and said, 'you're about india like i am about russia. well, maybe not as much.' i stopped and just stared at her. she finally looked back over at me and said, 'actually, when you like something, you go full throttle on it.' with that i was satisfied.

i've been digging through my room late at night and i've found some really interesting things. to me, that is, and perhaps to a select few others. things like profiles for early vampire characters, and magazines with interesting old articles, and cutouts for collages as yet unmade, and old jewelry boxes full of old jewelry (mostly earrings in the likenesses of cats), and letters from other people. i even found a letter from dustin, which surprised the hell out of me, because i never recalled corresponding with him via snail mail. after reading the brief letter i realized that i probably never did correspond with him because i never replied to that letter. because, as we should all know by this point, i am a complete asshole when it comes to keeping in touch with people.

i thought about how my life seemed so full and limitless when i was 17, and how after years of...shit, in some areas of my life, i was doing what i wanted to do, going off to be free to become the person that i'd always wanted to be. i really did see life in a different way when i was 17. it was full of magic and life and possibility. and things stayed that way until just around 22.

now i'm always in one funk or another, antisocial to a frightening degree, bitter (mostly due to my former job, admittedly), and just an emotional mess. whereas before the unknown was something full of magical options, now it's something to be feared.

i'll get through it. i always do. come to think of it i believe things seemed pretty bleak to me around the age of 13. maybe things work in cycles, and now i'm just naturally hitting that low. if that is true, and my needle is stuck in one particular record groove, then my life should hit awesome again around 27. just in time for my ten-year high school reunion. hey, i won't be allergic to cats by then. that'll be fun.

so what do i do with the years in-between? that's rather depressing: living for 27. and what happens when i hit 33, and 43, and 53? i don't know about you guys, but i don't know how much more emotional stretching i can take. maybe it's just two cycles and then you hit a nice blasé medium. no real highs, but no real lows. just smoothly sailing through the middle of everything: middle of the road, middle america, middle of life.

oh god. i don't know if that would be better or worse. i mean yeah, when life gets stinky it's really horrible, but at least i can recognize the difference.

last night i dreamt about dancing. i was at some horrible scary dark camp and we were all secretly trying to have fun under the very noses of the evil matrons who wanted us to stay down and calm. i put on these beautiful american pink ballet shoes; they were smooth, shiny, and unused up to that point. i laced them up (not looping them through the bit at the ankle, but my feet stayed in them anyway) and i danced in my darkened bunk lit by faint nightlights. there was a boy there with me, watching me, and he was really happy and excited to see me dance. he called to others to see me, and though i was afraid of the matrons, i danced anyway, and it felt so good. though i hadn't danced in years, the shoes felt good on my feet, and there was no pain, and i went up on my toes again effortlessly. i felt like i was flying.

suddenly i was in a church, the one that i went to growing up, and it was full daylight and bright by the light bursting in the huge windows. i was up on the red-carpeted stage at the front of the church, and in front of a huge crowd i once again put on the spotless pink toe shoes. they wanted me to dance for them, so i did, and once again i was flying.

i'd almost forgotten about my dream when i saw a girl in a ballet class on tv. when they showed a close-up of her feet in ballet shoes the dream came flooding back to me. all day i've wanted to find my old toe shoes and put them on and dance like in my dream. it wouldn't be like that, but i'd like to think that it would be.

3:01 addendum:
i just visited devon's website, and i saw that she had pictures of me up there. and that made me immensely happy.
and i can't tell you why.
and now if i don't get to sleep i may very well fall asleep watching 'velvet goldmine' tomorrow evening with erin, and that would be a shame since there's not enough films with good boy sex in them.