anywhere but here

2003-02-18 - 12:06 a.m.

terrorize, threaten, and insult your own useless generation. -the sex pistols

after living in britain for only half a year i saw very clearly how punk developed in such a place. i remember walking the streets and just wanting to push people out of my way, hating them taking up my space, which was too small already. it's an island, great britain. there's only a given and very finite amount of space available per person. there's no room. so it stands to reason that some people would simply adapt to being more reserved and introverted, while others, not being able to stand it, would lash out and try to gain more space by driving other people away. scaring them through your appearance is a grand start. i know that i not only felt like a bad-ass in my big black coat with the hood pulled up (still do, come to think of it) but i also enjoyed how people gave me just a bit more room to avoid me. i distinctly recall walking down the street from harrod's with my sister and yelling at the top of my lungs about all the sheep clogging up the sidewalks, making it impossible to walk. she turned and looked at me with wide eyes, aghast that i would be so loudly rude in public. i could almost see it in her eyes: what has living here done to you?

my inner punk definitely came to the forefront during my time abroad. i skipped streetcar faire in amsterdam, spoke loudly of gay clubs in athens, blatantly ignored my tour guide in ireland, flipped off an entire pub in scotland, and was a general bitch in the streets of london. yee-fuckin'-haw.

seeing a sex pistols video on mtv just now makes me think of these things, and i smile.

today scott came into the cafe, and i hung out with him for a good half hour during my break. he invited me to move to texas with him. actually, he might move to texas, or he might move to oregon. or he might move anywhere. he doesn't know. he just says that he's been here too long, too long being a year and a half. i asked him if he was addicted to fresh starts. he said yes, he was. i smiled. he asked me for 3 good reasons not to move out west with him. he said that he couldn't think of 1. i kept smiling and covering my mouth with my hand (a dreadful habit that i must have picked up from meg ryan movies) but all the while i was thinking, thinking, thinking. thinking about my options. thinking about the possibility for good things. thinking about the possibility for bad.

thinking about the fear of going.

thinking about the fear of staying.

scott said that we should do these things now, before we get careers and get married and have kids. i smiled and said that i can't imagine myself with a career. then i laughed and added that i couldn't see myself getting married, either. scott just quietly said, 'no one does until it happens.' i told him that for me it wasn't outrunning a career and marriage, it was outrunning the fear. i told him that i get the fear the older i get. when i was 17 i was fearless. obviously, because i moved to boston without a care in the world. but now it gets harder. and i fear that it will only get harder still. either i'll leave and it will get easier and better, or i'll leave and it will get harder and worse. and that thought fills me with dread. how many fresh starts do i have within me? is there a set number?

does that matter? no, it doesn't. i have faith enough in myself that i can recognize a truly bad situation, and that i'll always be able to get out of it. one way or another.

and today scott invited me to move out west with him. i told him that i've given myself 6 months to do something, starting from january. scott said that he's given himself 4 months from now, so our time frame is almost identical. a few mundane questions were swirling in my head (what will my family say? what will my friends say? how can i feasibly move all of my mountains of shit out west, even with a u-haul?) but the heady rush of spontaneous decisions was running through my veins, and all i could do was smile and imagine driving for days until i reach the ocean on the west coast.

it's crazy. but i never do anything crazy. which is funny, considering how i'm such a wild, crazy girl in my head. in my head i'm all mad love, fear and loathing, thelma and louise, the bad girls' guide to the open road. i'm all gonzo journalism, skinny dipping, hopping in my car and just getting the hell out of whatever state i'm in, literally and figuratively. but outside my head and my dreams i'm all play it safe, don't do anything stupid, don't be an idiot, come the fuck on bridget, don't mess up, get it right, no bad moves, get it perfect, be perfect. (i find nowadays that whenever i'm trying to get something done in a rush, i'll say, 'come the fuck on, bridget,' referring to whatever i'm working on as bridget, such as the steamer on the espresso machine. conversely, i also often refer to myself as bridget by saying that line whenever i'm in a hurry and i need to leave but i just can't seem to get myself together.)

it was like a scene from a movie. a really good, inspirational movie. 'do you wanna move out west with me?' scott said that he was asking everyone. i grinned and said, 'aww, and i thought that i was special for a moment.' but scott turned to me and said in a half-whisper, 'but wouldn't it be special if you were the one person to actually do it?!?'

this morning i wished on an eyelash for something truly magical to happen to me today. as i drove away from work this evening i thought back over the day and was disappointed when i couldn't think of anything magical that had happened. only after i got home did i remember my break with scott and the invitation to move out west.

haven't i been saying that i'm itching to travel, to explore america, only i want someone to go with me? scott mentioned stopping at various cities along the way out west. it all sounds so exciting.

i just don't know. i told him that i'd think about it. i'm slightly hesitant to just move to a city that i've never even visited. maybe i should just road trip out there with him to decide if i want to live there or not.

it's certainly something to think about. meanwhile, the dreaming is delightful.